A Surprising Ad in the Personals Section

To the woman who kicked my husband in the balls last Friday.

The incident occurred at Finnegan’s Pub around 10 pm. You were unmistakable with your fiery red hair. You had on a plaid skirt and an off-white blouse which you left unbuttoned rather gratuitously. In fact, I believe everyone could see the lacy frill of your brassiere along with that perfectly rounded cleavage of your firmly pushed up boobs. Classy. I couldn’t guess your height, but my husband is around six feet tall and he was nearly a full head taller than you even in your black high heels.

That being said, it’s understandable that he may have seemed threatening when he accidentally bumped into you. He tried to apologize but it did nothing to mitigate that irritated scowl on your otherwise pretty, freckled face. I was about to step in and offer my apologies on his behalf as well, but before I could you kicked him really hard, straight in the balls. I can’t believe how smug you looked as he sank to his knees right there at your feet, clutching his precious jewels. Absolutely no remorse in your eyes. Quite the opposite, in fact, with that lusty little gleam. It was like you really wanted my poor husband’s balls to hurt in the worst way. But I suppose you knew they would be hurting and then some, what with those pointy, high-heeled testicle smashers you used to kick him with.

Well, let me tell you something young lady. After you strutted off, I had to stand there for a good five minutes as my husband moaned and groaned, rolling back and forth on the ground while the people around me pointed and laughed. It was so embarrassing for him, especially the haughty giggles and even gleeful laughter coming from some of the other women standing nearby. When things eventually simmered down, a staff member finally came by and helped me drag him off to a corner of the bar before bringing him a bag of ice. I sat in a chair while my husband remained on the floor – unable to even heft himself into the seat across from me thanks to the debilitating pain you made him suffer – as he iced his swollen balls. He looked miserable, and judging by how our weekend ended up going, he was.

You basically ruined any plans we had. When he finally had enough strength to leave the bar, which was at least thirty minutes after your petite little foot blasted his nuts up his throat, all he wanted to do was climb into bed. The next morning, his balls were indeed quite swollen while showing signs of heavy bruising. I feared he might need medical attention, but he begged me not to take him to the ER. Instead, he spent the entire weekend either in bed or on the couch. Evidently moving around caused him a good deal of pain. He limped from one place to other, his strides half their usual length, while hanging his head, no doubt in shame over his prolonged loss of strength and mobility. It was such a lovely weekend, too. The weather was perfect and sunny, the temperature not a shade above 70 degrees and I’d so wanted to do some hiking and other outdoor activities. Alas, my plans were completely dashed thanks to the state of my husband’s testicles after your merciless – and dare I say – vicious kick.

He even called off work yesterday morning (Monday) because his balls felt too constricted by his dress slacks. I couldn’t blame him. Even I could see the outline of their swollen form against his trousers. I went to work if only to get a break from his incessant complaining about “how bad his balls hurt” and “why did she have to kick me so hard?” It really was pathetic.

So there you have it. It’s been four days and his balls are still clearly hurting him. I hope you’re happy.

Because I am.

It was such a welcome surprise to see you haul off and crush his nuts like that. To watch my big, strong husband curl up at your feet as you stood there smirking down at him, a perfect picture of femininity, with your graceful curves and delicate, youthful features. It sent shivers of pure delight down my spine. Please know you had every right to kick him in the balls as hard you could. Hard enough to leave his balls bruised and swollen. God knows I have.

I hope you enjoyed all the laughter and hooting and mockery as much as I did. It cut through my man’s dignity like razor blades, causing him much shame and embarrassment. Inside, I was laughing right along with all the other women as they witnessed you send my husband to the floor in tremendous agony. I’m smiling now just thinking about it.

How I wish I could include a photo but I know I can’t. Still, it was absolutely amazing to see just how bruised and swollen his testicles were – are, really. All because of your dainty female foot encased in sexy, but perilous, black high heels. Oh girl, the pain you’ve caused him.

It’s exhilarating, to be honest. To watch him limp around, cupping his nuts every so often as the soreness flares up beyond the perpetual deep, throbbing ache. It’s in those times that I can see in his eyes they way he remembers with total clarity and regret how callously you smashed his balls. He looks so forlorn and abased – mystified even. Oh, and humbled. Very humbled.

You demonstrated to him – to all of us at Finnegan’s really – the essence of girl power. My husband is still coming to terms with your demonstration, I’m sure, but I have no doubts he’ll soon accept how ridiculously easy it is for a woman to show him his place whenever she wants to. Of course, if he doesn’t, I’ll be more than happy to teach him your little lesson again. My dear, it never fails to satisfy my soul when he gets his balls busted hard by a woman. And I imagine you feel quite the same when it comes to showing a man his place in life.

So thank you.

Thank you for kicking my husband in the balls as hard as you did.

It totally made my weekend.

Kisses,
Tabitha