"Teamwork Makes The Balls Hurt!" -A short tale about a pair of goblin maids with hammers

Hey everyone! Wrote this a while back as part of a friend's writing project about ballbusting pranks called "April Jewels," and thought I'd submit it here too.

I’m currently working on making this a full series that’ll more properly introduce this setting. But just to give a little context, the shortened background of this story is that a goblin queen is in a friends with benefits relationship with a human man named Triston. Because it would cause a massive scandal if people found out, they keep it a secret from everyone, with the exception of a single servant named Mirx.


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“Where’d you even get these things anyway?” Mirx asked, turning the war hammer in her green hands.

“The armory!” Noxi replied.

“How? Us maids aren’t even allowed in that part of the castle.”

“Sir Rolk let me in! When I told him about my plan he thought it was hilarious and gave me the key!”

Mirx raised an eyebrow at her companion’s answer.

Rolk let her in?

*Rolk*? Really?

She expected better of the captain of the royal guard. She knew Rolk hated Triston because he was a human, but allowing a maid to take weapons from the armory was surely against regulations. They could get into some serious trouble for that.

Of course, Mirx wasn’t about to tell on them. She really couldn’t care less about the captain, but she would hate to see Noxi get reprimanded, or, goddess Frisx forbid, fired.

Thankfully, though, it was April, a month where the castle’s rules were relaxed somewhat to facilitate their kingdom’s tradition of “April Jewels,” where all the female goblins competed to see who could bust a guy in the funniest way. Originally a means of testing the male guards, it quickly grew into involving everyone in the castle. Even the strictest and most boring ladies couldn’t resist getting in on the fun.

Male guests had been exempt from this tradition for the past few years (ever since that one croc guy lost a ball), but Triston visited so often he was more or less viewed as a permanent resident, and, thus, was frequently the target of the servant’s pranks (The fact that human balls were so much bigger and squishier than a goblin’s was seen as a major bonus.)

Whether or not this meant taking the hammers was allowed, Mirx had no idea, but her fellow goblin maid was clearly too excited and proud of her little idea to think about any potential consequences. Noxi Vaf rarely thought very far ahead at all. While not a bad maid, necessarily, Mirx had no idea how she ever got hired in the first place. She was just far too hyperactive. She couldn’t even stand still, instead bouncing on her heels fast enough to make her butt visibly shake even through her dress.

Taking a quick peak around the corner, Noxi listened for the sound of footsteps. Hearing none, she turned her head to ask, “And you’re sure he’s gonna be coming this way, Brul?”

“Hmm?” Mirx’s ears flicked at the sound of her last name, but it took her a moment to understand the question, having been too invested in staring at her co-worker’s shapely ass.

“Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah. Trist- *er,* I mean, uh, ‘*Balls*,’ always goes to the garden around this time.”

Nervously, she waited for Noxi to comment on her use of Triston’s first name, rather than the mocking nickname the servants had given him. Fortunately, she apparently didn’t notice or care, simply turning back around with a nod.

“*Whew*!” Mirx thought, “That could have been weird.”

Names were important in goblin society. It’s extremely taboo to use someone’s first name unless you’re immediate family or an extremely close/lifelong friend. She had made the mistake of calling Triston Ballinger by his first name in front of everyone before. It’d been so embarrassing, all the other servants had given her such strange looks and dirty glances.

Mirx cringed thinking back on that moment. It had almost been as bad as the first time Triston had visited the castle and called the queen by *her* first name: Cuxee. Now *that* was awkward. She could still recall the shocked (or in the case of Sir Rolk, enraged) expressions on everyone’s face. This random human guest had the gall to call Queen Keth by her first name so casually? A majority of citizens didn’t even *know* her name!

The only thing that had saved Triston from being arrested on the spot was the queen herself. Not only did she seem fine with it, she actually called him by his first name too!

Though she tried to justify the incident by pointing out that humans don’t have such a taboo about names, the event soon became the talk of the kingdom. Almost immediately hushed, scandalous gossip and rumors had begun to spread. Everyone wondered how he, a lowly human from nowhere, was so close to the Queen of Argen. The idea that she had been seduced by him had been one of the first suggestions, but was very quickly shot down as being too preposterous to even consider.

“Seduced by Triston? HA!” Mirx had snorted to herself when she heard this, being the only one to know the truth, “More like absolutely fucking dicked down by him!”

Her mind began replaying last night’s dicking when a gasp from Noxi suddenly tore her from her thoughts.

“I hear him coming! Hurry, get into position!” the younger maid whispered loudly.

Quickly, the two goblins move behind the statue. In a little alcove in the hallway wall, the pair was completely hidden. Plus, everyone else would be on the complete other side of the castle right now, so they could be as loud as they wanted. It was the perfect place for their ambush.

Noxi’s prank was fairly simple: The two of them would hide here, wait for Triston to come by, then jump out and slam their hammers into his nutsack. She’d never won the April Jewels contest before, and so she had determined to go all out this year.

Although the vast majority of goblin pranks involved creatively busting balls in one way or another, Mirx had been hesitant when Noxi had laid out her plan earlier today. If they were doing it against a goblin dude, that would be one thing, given the naturally high pain tolerance of their race. But doing it to Triston was different. Most of the female servants smacked him between the legs multiple times a day, sure, and she admittingly did quite enjoy giving the occasional punch or five to his junk, but this felt a *little* mean. This thing was made for fighting knights in protective metal armor.

Still, she agreed to help, if only so that Noxi wouldn’t become suspicious about why she was so hesitant to hurt his testicles. Besides, she rationalized, it’s not like they would pop anything, the hammers were too heavy for them to properly swing.

And of course, if they DID pop a nut, at least he would still have one to fill up the queen with.

Pushing her hair (dyed the traditional servant blue), to the side, Mirx pressed up against the other female, returning a nod. The footsteps and whistling got louder with each passing second. In a moment he would walk past the alcove. It was now or never.

The instant the pair saw Triston between the statue’s legs, they sprang into action. The unsuspecting human barely had time to comprehend Noxi’s scream of “*APRIL JEWELS*!” before his groin suddenly exploded.


~**SPALT**~


With incredible precision, the two war hammers swung perfectly between his legs, pancaking his poor left ball between them. The sheer weight of the weapons insured that they were driven deep into his rubbery nutflesh, flattening the center enough to actually make a *CLANG* as the two pieces of metal smacked together.

The rest of his bollock, meanwhile, ballooned out, warping and bulging around the flared metal heads, which left a sizable dent. His attackers could even see his ball meat pushing against his trousers, even if only for a split second.

Straining violently, the nut somehow managed to avoid a titanic *pop*, quivering as the hammers bounced off each other. Attempting to re-inflate back to its usual round shape, his left ball bounced in his sack along with its twin, unrestricted thanks to his loose fitting clothing.

Stumbling back against the recoil and weight of their swings, the maid’s eyes locked to his face, waiting for his reaction.

Eyes bulging out, arms bent at his sides, fingers scrunched, and body locking, it was as if a magic spell had frozen him in place. His brain took a long, agonizing second to process the pain. Pain that hit him like …

Well … like a hammer to the groin.

Verbally, Triston’s only reply was a sharp wheeze through clenched teeth.

Grinning ear to ear, Noxi could barely contain her glee as his shaking legs slowly buckled. It was only after he rolled onto the floor and let out a long, warbling groan that she erupted into girly laughter. Clutching her sides, she too collapsed on the ground.

“*Ha* *ha* *ha* *ha*! Your face! HOLY SHIT, *HA* *HA*!”

Though covering her mouth and cringing, Mirx just couldn’t help but chuckle along. She felt kinda bad, but much as she liked Triston (and Triston’s cock), that reaction *definitely* was worth it. The other gals were gonna love hearing about this, they’d win this year's competition for sure!

Long ears bouncing from her giggles, Mirx moved to kneel beside him, dropping her hammer on the ground, “*Pffft*! That was … I … just … *wow*!”

Though the look he gave her was supposed to be threatening, it only made her giggle harder. Still, she was nice enough to move the hair out of his eyes and rub his stomach, trying to help him with the undoubtedly terrible ache. She didn’t regret it, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t comfort him a little.

Knowing he wouldn’t be able to say anything even slightly coherent for the moment, he settled on moaning and looking straight ahead. Cupping his crotch, another long moan escaped his lips as he confirmed that he still had two distinct orbs down there, even if one felt like it had just been liquified. Had the gals been even slightly stronger, his ball likely wouldn't have survived. The thin fabric of his trousers had provided absolutely no protection whatsoever.

Triston had expected Noxi to bust him extra hard this week, but this was a whole new level of ache. And it was just his second day back! It wasn’t the worst nutpain he’d ever been in, but damn was it close.

Now he actually wished he had turned down Cuxee’s invitation, and waited until next month. Against his better judgment, his horny brain had forced him to accept, reasoning that the sex would make up for whatever the servants decided to do to his balls. Normally, the three dozen or so orgasms Cuxee and Mirx managed to pry out of him over the week was worth any amount of nut smacks.

Now, though, he figured it would take a hundred orgasms to compensate for the utter scrambling his junk had just received.

His only comfort was, ironically, the other goblin cackling at his misfortune. Screaming in laughter and rolling on the floor like she’d just been stabbed, Noxi’s spread legs pulled up her uniform’s dress. From his position, this gave Triston the perfect view of her undergarments and, more specifically, the camel toe that resulted from her wearing such tight panties. If he wasn’t so preoccupied with the tidal wave of agony that blurred his vision, he might have been able to enjoy the sight.

Rolling to look up at Mirx, the human coughed, “Ohh, *g-gods*. You owe me.”

Glancing up to confirm that the other gal was still in a fit of giggles, Mirx began to speak between chuckles, “Sorry! Vaf was really determined to win this year! If anything you should be thanking me for calming her down! She actually wanted to pop one! And… heh … I mean, c'mon Triston, you gotta admit that was *kinda* funny!”

Though still curled into a ball, he just couldn’t help a tiny grin at her adorable smile. Why did all the goblin ladies in this kingdom have to be so damned cute? Why, oh why, did he keep coming back here?

“Guuuuuh. I swear, if I’m infertile now, Mirx…”

“Oh you’re fine! I’ll suck you off extra hard later, okay?”

(Oh yeah. That was why.)

“Heh … fuckin’ … uggh. I don’t think I’ll be able to get hard for a month.”

“Really? That’s too bad.”

Leaning down to whisper in his ear, the maid pouted, “Cause her majesty told me she was looking forward to getting some creampies in the *other* hole tonight…”

And just like that, Triston discovered that he could, indeed, still get hard…..