Divorce Settlement: One Kick in the balls

As a divorce lawyer, I'd seen my fair share of unusual requests, but nothing quite like the one my recent client had just made.

My recent client, we'll call her "Hannah" had filed for divorce 6 months ago after discovering her husband of 15 years "Greg" was having an affair with a younger woman in his office.

We were in the the last stages of ironing out the details of how the final assets should be split. To this point there had not been any strong disagreement between parties regarding how the assets should be divided until we reached Greg's frequent flier miles. Greg had accumulated a substantial amount of status/miles through his years traveling for business (roughly $50k worth) and he felt my client was not entitled to any of them.

So we had reached a deadlock.

After we adjourned the meeting with the four of us, I met privately with my client to advice her on the situation. I advised her to give up the frequent flier points as we had secured a pretty great settlement that we don't want to risk.

That is when she said.

"What I really want, is I want to kick Greg in the balls."

I leaned back in my chair, taking in her words. Over my decade-long career, I'd handled infidelity, financial betrayals, and custody battles, but this was a first. I knew how cathartic it could be to stand up to an abuser, but physically hurting someone? That was a legal and ethical minefield.

"Hannah," I began carefully, "I understand why you might want to do this, but assault is a crime. We could get into a lot of trouble. Is there another way you can get closure?"

She looked at me and said. "I've thought about this for a long time. This asshole cheated on me after 15 years of marriage. I don't care about the miles. I want to kick him right where it counts."

I sat there, contemplating her request. How could I make this happen without breaking the law or compromising my professional integrity? After a long pause, an idea began to form.

"What if we proposed a controlled environment?" I suggested. "We could suggest mediation with a neutral third party present, perhaps even a therapist or counselor. If Greg consents to it, we might be able to frame it as a symbolic act rather than an act of violence."

Hannah's eyes lit up. "Do you think he would agree?"

I sighed. "It's unconventional, but if Greg truly wants to end things amicably and avoid a prolonged legal battle, he might. Let's draft the proposal and see how it goes."

In the following weeks, the negotiations proceeded with the usual back-and-forth over assets and custody. Finally, I broached the topic with Greg's lawyer, carefully framing it as a therapeutic exercise. To my surprise, after some initial shock and hesitation, Greg agreed. He likely saw it as a way to quickly end the ordeal, keep his miles, and avoid further legal fees.

The day of the mediation arrived. Hannah, there was complete silence. All the documents had been agreed on and signed. Now it was time for one last action.

I could tell Hannah was nervous and anxious. She held a river of pent-up frustration inside her since the divorce had started.

That's when she simply told Greg she was finally glad to be done with him. Then she delivered a swift hard kick right between his legs delivering a hard contact with his most delicate region.

I really don't think Greg was prepared for this else he may not have agreed to it.. He immediately bent over clutching his balls and grunting "Oh fuck". You could tell the pain began to wash over his body at once. I wasn't quite sure if he was going to throw up or start crying. Hannah had really got him good. Now she just watched her handy work as he finally fell to the ground and curled up clutching his balls.

"Thank you," she said softly, a mix of relief and empowerment in her voice.

The divorce was finalized within weeks. Hannah got her fair share of the assets and primary custody of the children. More importantly, she walked away with a sense of closure and newfound strength.

For me, this case was a stark reminder of the complexities and emotions that underpin my work. It wasn't just about the legal battles; it was about helping people reclaim their lives and find justice in ways that went beyond the courtroom. And for Hannah, kicking her husband in the balls had been a powerful step towards healing and moving forward.