Excerpts from “The Gentleman’s Guide to Proper Testicular Etiquette” [Seedy Side Quests]

*Contains: >!sph, chastity, cuckolding, rupture, castration!<*

*Greetings, young man! In your hands, you hold the 7th edition of Mistress Cecilia’s ‘The Gentleman’s Guide to Proper Testicular Etiquette’, your companion to a noble life lived in such a way that it does not bring shame upon your house as you navigate the pitfalls of courtly life as a member of the weaker sex.*

*Have you ever wondered why it is that your mother’s words seem to carry so much more weight than your father’s? Why your sister is expected to control the fates of your house as she comes of age, while you are only expected to not leave embarrassing stains on your undergarments? Do not fret any longer, for this guide book has been written to help you with such questions and many more. It is your dependable companion and will prove to be a valuable asset throughout your life, whether you have just entered adulthood or have been gifted this book later in life. I, Mistress Cecilia, head of the Maritofratto school of etiquette, have been hailed as the most refined woman in the two realms. It is a reputation I have worked hard for over the years, teaching young noblemen and instilling in them a sense of duty that their mothers, sisters and wives greatly appreciate.*

*Depending on which tribulations might worry you, you are well advised to read the index and see if any of your problems are directly addressed by the chapters listed therein. Everyone else, including those of my readers that have only just become an adult, are recommended to keep reading the contents of this guide book in order of their appearance, so that a general sense of gentlemanly behaviour may be impressed upon you.*

Chapter 1 – A small difference and two big problems

As a boy who has just become a man (more on that distinction in ch. 13), you are faced with challenges no girl will ever encounter in her life. Of course, the women in your life, they face their own challenges, such as ruling their fief, worrying about harvests and court budgets or leading troops into battle. But those are worries you do not have to worry your pretty little head about. A boy’s problems, they are of a more personal nature, and they all stem from the little twig and berries dangling between your legs. Yes, that which makes you a boy is also why you must temper body and spirit (for such exercises, refer to ch. 72p.) so that you do not succumb to their inherent weakness.

Of course, as you have now come of age, in all likelihood, you have already learned how weak and frail men are between the legs. Maybe you have seen a male relative be struck between the legs, or you yourself have been hit there after mouthing off to your sister or mother. In the unlikely case that you have come of age, yet are unaware how delicate those two curious egg-shaped orbs in your loins are, mistress Cecilia recommends that you pause reading this book and call for a nearby woman or girl. Instruct her to first strike your arm with her fist, forcefully but not so strong as to leave a bruise.

You will agree that such a strike is hardly worth feeling anxious about. Then, instruct her to kneel between your legs (whether you stand or sit is of no matter, but mistress Cecilia recommends sitting as you might otherwise fall and hurt yourself in unintended ways) and to deliver that same strike to the two orbs in your groin. You may read on once you are able to.

Oh, poor boy. Do not lament or curse this guide, as the experience was necessary for you to truly understand how weak and powerless men are in their special place. You will have noticed the intense pain, of course, so much greater than such a weak strike should produce. But your testicles, which is one of the many ways to call those two orbs, are simply that much more frail and debilitating than the rest of your body. Yes, a woman’s loins are strong. Should you feel daring, ask your chosen female companion to hit herself between the legs with that same strength so that you may compare. She hardly flinched, didn’t she?

That is the weakness of a man. You might have noticed the pain travelling up from your testicles to your stomach, where it lingers and does not seem to fade. Many boys cry when they are first struck in the testicles, and that is perfectly natural. A boy getting struck in the testes is expected to cry, so don’t try to hold back the tears. If you have particularly sensitive testicles, you may have also involuntarily disgorged and this too is normal (in a few rare cases, you might have also discharged seed from your lance – usually not a cause for concern, but please refer to the methods in ch. 59 to check yourself for any damage. If you are still doubtful, alert your mother or other female relative to conduct such tests for you).

You will have also noticed the intense sense of shame colouring your cheeks and ears. You are a strapping young man of noble birth, and yet a girl has just rendered you helpless with a single punch to the eggs. This feeling is of utmost importance and you must remember it well! Not only is it your body’s way of showing you just how weak your testicles truly are, but also nature’s way of pleading you to never fight back against a woman who may hit your testicles. This goes not just for physical confrontations, such as in a duel for honour (Mistress Cecilia recommends never engaging a woman in physical combat as your weaknesses will make it both easy for you to be rendered completely helpless and at a woman’s mercy, but also drastically increase the chances for your testicles to suffer critical damage – again, refer to ch. 59 or, in case combat against a female opponent is forthcoming and unavoidable, refer to ch. 77) but in matters of debate and verbal quarrel as well. If you are being rude to a woman, question her decisions or just plain do not listen to what she says, expect her to strike your berries as punishment. Mistress Cecilia has warned you!

I should stress that the instructions I have given you above are *only* to be enacted with a loyal maid you can trust. Do *not* ask your sister or a female cousin for help with them! I am required to include this warning as of this edition, since several irate noblewomen have written me after their sons’ manhoods had been maimed or even prematurely ended by their sisters striking their eggs entirely too hard.

You have now learned how weak and sensitive your orbs are. But what about the little stick above them? Unfortunately, I also do not have good news regarding it. You might think it mighty and desirable to a woman, but in all likelihood, you are in possession of a meagre shortsword that your beloved will not be looking forward to letting you slide into her sheath. I have sampled many, and I do mean *many* a lance in my life and I assure you that soft noble boys like you are simply not equipped with the strong and virile lances of a commoner. A simple farmer or miller will usually be twice your size and girth, and they will fill a woman much more thoroughly than you ever could, and bring her joy you are simply not man enough for.

In fact, I highly recommend you acquire help to manage the wanton fits of lust your shortsword will afflict you with. Ask your mother to help lock it away if you have not yet been shut in chastity. You might wish to refer to ch. 32 for a treatise on appropriate types of chastity devices.

I shall now describe the intricacies of your two dangling weaknesses in detail and compare them to the strength of a woman’s feminine flower.

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Chapter 32 – On choosing the right armour to gird your loins

As I have stated multiple time, your noble little lance is most likely entirely unable to bring a woman to a satisfying orgasm, no matter how fast and in which position you thrust it into her. Remember, that is not the role of a nobleman’s penis, instead you please her with your mouth and fingers (see ch. 45) and by giving her ample opportunity to strike, slap and kick your marbles. But a man’s lance has a will of its own, and so we must take extra steps to prevent it from embarrassing you and your house by stiffening at inopportune times, or making you utter frivolous suggestions to a woman in hopes of her letting you slip it inside her. Just imagine you are granted the honour of an audience with the queen, and her beauty makes you pitch a tiny little tent in your pants. How humiliating! And potentially dangerous for your ballbag given my dear sister’s penchant for liquifying the contents of every sack she can get her hands on. The way to curtail such a faux pas is by locking your penis away in a chastity cage.

The advantages of such a device are readily apparent: you will be able to better focus on your duties, your attitude towards women will improve, your shortsword will retain its pure, virginal appearance (which is highly prized by many noble women), it will prevent any accidental leaks from making a mess in your clothes and any girls interested in marriage will be assured that you have not sired any illicit heirs.

In terms of disadvantages, there simply aren’t any. You are even still able to perform your marital duties by smooching your beloved’s peach. As you can see, it is in your best interest to lock away your little stick as soon as possible. Often times, your mother will broach the subject with you on your 18th birthday, but sometimes you might need to bring it up yourself. Go on, talk to your mother right now and suggest you two go looking for a suitable cage for you the next time she is available.

Now, you will undoubtedly try on a few different cages to find one that is right for you. But I will try to give you an overview so that you may present yourself as an informed young man who knows that his stick should be locked away, rather than an ignorant brute who lets it hang freely like a mere commoner.

First, you should consider the material. For most boys, a cage of steel will be appropriate. Though somewhat expensive, it is durable and readily available. Cheaper options may include cages made of copper or bronze, while more expensive options may be made of gold or silver. In general, this guide recommends sticking to steel, unless you are able to afford a moonsilver cage (see below). But feel free to try out others!

Next, you should consider the shape. The ring below should slip under your berries comfortably but securely, while the size should be small enough to exert a slight, constant pressure on your lance. While you might think it a bit uncomfortable, this constant pressure is needed to shape your stick into one befitting a nobleman – one that is both short and thin, an elegant penis for a refined gentleman. As you grow up, you will notice your penis shrinking in its cage. This is natural and good! It is a sign of you becoming more of an adult and a nobleman, and needing to reduce the size of your chastity cage because your penis has shrunk is something to be celebrated with the whole family.

Moonsilver in particular is a mysterious but wonderful material that can help you achieve a slim and elegant penis faster than any other cage can. If you are able to afford one, make sure to get the smallest size you can as, after just a few months, your lance will have shrunk to a cute little dagger that will provide mirth and joy to any woman laying eyes on it. And you do want to make the women in your life happy, don’t you?

One final note on the shape of your new accessory: as you try on different cages, ask your mother or any other female you are with to strike you between the legs with fists, knees and feet, as well as grasp your berries as harshly as they can. Make sure you choose a size that lets any women punish your manhood without hurting themselves. Of course, you should still feel the strikes as intensely as you do without a cage, making your berries hurt is the entire point of striking them, after all. So don’t think you can pick one that protects your eggs!

Think of this measure as not just protecting the women in your life, but also as protecting you. Many historical accounts tell of what torture a man’s eggs may befall for the frivolous sin of hurting a woman when exerting their Goddess-given right to strike a pair of man-plums.

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Chapter 43 – Curtseying and other ways to show deference

By now, you will have accepted your position as the weaker sex and the fact that your value lies not in your lacking intelligence compared to a woman, or in your prowess in battle that is so easily rendered useless by a swift kick to the plums. No, your role is to provide seed to your beloved when it is time to sire an heiress, to support the women in your life by making their hard work easier on them in such ways your lesser intellect allows you to, and to be a paragon of beauty, grace and manners to ease their burdened souls. To that end, you must first learn how to be respectful to women.

Your first lesson is how to properly greet a woman. So that you may go and practice immediately, I will tell you forthwith: First, you must spread your legs at least a shoulder’s width apart, your feet pointing outward. Your left arm is to be placed behind your back. With your right hand, touch your neck where the collar of your blouse begins. Then, describe a bow downward with that same arm, ending with your palm facing downward and your arm extended fully to your right. At the same time, push forward your hips.

Doing so, you invite a woman to partake of your fruits as she may wish. If you have been successful, you will notice a pleased expression on your feminine recipient, but some women will be too stoic or too preoccupied to give you such obvious signs. She will then curtsey back by indicating slightly bending her knee, then ramming said knee into your gonads. Do not fret when the intimate pain overwhelms you! It is not expected of any boy or man to remain standing when struck in the testes. Trust me, your female companions will already know very well just how weak and debilitating even a light hit to the berries can be.

If you have caught her in a fair mood, the strike will be light and playful. If a woman might be interested in you, you might even notice her grabbing your shoulders and keeping her knee buried in your berries, mashing them a bit against her kneecap. This means she is likely inspecting how plentiful or meagre your loin’s offerings are. Especially in marriage interviews, a firm knee to the groin is often a deciding factor whether you two are to join each other’s hand in union!

(Note: Do not think if what this potential fiancée is feeling under her knee pleases her that this means she will want you to thrust your little nub into her – as earlier stated, your lance is most likely small and barely grows hard, so she will usually still prefer a butler or stablehand to fill her honeypot. You will, however, be required to plant your seed in her flowerbed eventually, which is why she might be considering your appendage in comparison to those already part of her bloodline.)

If you have caught a woman in a foul mood or if you have made such grave blunders as to enrage her, she will most likely strike your testicles with great force. As you grovel on the floor and cough up those two pained ovals, you must reflect what you may have done wrong. Ponder your mistakes and vow not to repeat them, if only to avoid such tremendous testicular pain! Of course, you may very well lose one or even both of your gonads from such a strike, an occurrence that is both natural and healthy. Refer to ch. 81p. on how to proceed once your manhood has stopped being dramatic.

It should be noted that in some cases, you personally may not have done anything wrong to earn such a brutal strike to your tender orbs. In that case, do not fret. Rather, you should rejoice as you have helped this woman relieve some of her anger through your testes. Also note that especially young women tend to strike testicles hard, even if they are neither displeased nor angered. They may do so simply because it is amusing to women to strike a man in the groin and watch him flail around helplessly, and young women often understandably lack concern for the integrity of your gonads.

In fact, in recent years I have seen more and more young men under my tutelage express concerns with the very hard kicks and punches to their marbles from their sisters and other young female courtiers, since they are prone to emulate my dear sister, her majesty queen Despina I. Prosperous and peaceful though her reign may have been, she had to walk over many a manhood to achieve it, a good number of which could not remain intact in the face of such fierce adversity.

There is nothing you can do to stop such playful imitations from your contemporaries and trying so will only earn you even more strikes to the testicles, to the point that they may be looking to end your manhood for good, the same way my sister has done to the envoy sent from the Free Cities after he has caused offence to her. It is best to just accept these intimate strikes and take comfort in the fact that your little eggs have brought a girl joy by letting her play out her fantasies of being queen.

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Chapter 73 – Testicular exercises for the young man who wishes to stay healthy and of a sharp mind

Let me reiterate that the following exercises will not ‘toughen up’ your testicles, nor will they work to mitigate any sort of damage your frail little walnuts may acquire in your day-to-day life. There is no way to strengthen your pathetic balls and if a woman wishes to break them, she will. Nothing you can do will stop her from popping those nuts and rendering you a eunuch!

That said, these exercises have been proven to raise your tolerance for pain in your eggs marginally. Not so much that a hard and fast fist, knee or foot to your groin will allow you to remain standing, but maybe when an excited courtier slams her leg up into your balls, you won’t immediately puke like a bitch the sensitive young man that you are. Ask your sister, mother, aunt or loyal maid to help you with these exercises.

The first exercise I, mistress Cecilia, recommend is especially suited for those young men with extremely sensitive orbs. It is best to practice all of these exercises in the morning, before breakfast, as the nut pain will linger throughout the day and might make you empty your stomach; and then repeat them in the evening before bed rest. Instruct a woman to grasp you by your balls, which is most commonly understood to be done by forming a loop with finger and thumb around the base of your sack so that the two little orbs inside cannot escape. Then, ask her to flick one testicle at a time. As you begin, ask her to alternate between your left and right plum, flicking each a little harder. You will need to endure this for at least half an hour.

As you ramp up in difficulty, tell her to flick one nut multiple times before alternating, or have her focus entirely only on one ball. You will soon see that even such light flicking will make you weak in the knees, and many boys will start crying and begging for the woman to stop. Of course, since she quite literally has you by the short and curlies by your smooth and cute balls (I have been informed by my editor that the modern fashion prefers boys to keep their twig and berries hairless to make your gonads easily accessible and appraisable at a glance), begging a woman to stop hurting your nuts will be entirely pointless. She will be done with your frail marbles when she deems it so.

This exercise might also be a good way to measure the fullness of your balls. Instruct your maid or other female aide to isolate one of your testicles and squeeze it slightly between thumb and finger. Then, instruct her to squeeze more (if she isn’t already doing so of her own volition). The goal here is to have your aide really squish your ball down as much as it can without bursting. Once your aide is satisfied that she cannot squeeze it down even further, have her measure the length and width of your nut with the same rulers so popular at court for measuring a man’s stick size. Of course, you will most likely not be able to help your aide as your weak and pathetic ball getting squeezed will render you flailing and helpless, so it is best to coordinate measuring your ball beforehand.

The goal, of course, is to measure a steady increase in the size of your gonad. Whether that is achieved by them actually being filled with more seed or simply being swollen from constant kicks is irrelevant.

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Chapter 81 – What to do when you have had an orb shattered

Congratulations! If you are reading this chapter, you might have just become a eunuch!

Otherwise, you likely have just lost one ball. Don’t worry, though! It usually doesn’t take long for the other nut to crack, burst, rupture or pop as well. Whether your sister decided it would be funny, your mother thought it necessary as an attitude adjustment, or your fiancé simply got a bit too excited on her wedding night, woman can usually not resist experiencing once more the feelings of power and control over your weak male form when they have felt one of your orbs explode against their knee or crumble in their hands. How wonderful that you could make her feel so good with something as useless and irrelevant as one of your testicles!

You may now experience several bodily reactions, such as scrotal agony, nausea, sweating, shivering, pathetic wailing, vomiting, grovelling at a woman’s feet, despair at your impending castration, uncontrollable clutching at what is left in your sack (either a single ball or mush), jealousy of women for lacking those two sorry weaknesses between their legs, as well as embarrassing involuntary discharges of semen from your limp penis. All of these reactions are natural and good! In fact, you should see it as a point of pride to show as many of these reactions to the woman that burst your plum.

Now, if you are certain your tormentor is no longer interested in your sack and you can move (most likely you will only be able to crawl on the ground), mistress Cecilia recommends finding the next available sister of the Sophian church. The priestess will be happy to induct you into your life as a nutless eunuch as well as provide assistance, making sure that any destroyed remains of your pitiful manhood are removed from the sack.

This will ring in an exciting new phase in your life. Your already seldom-used penis will atrophy and wither to be entirely useless. You will, of course, never again grow hard and stick your little erection into a girl’s kitty to spurt inside her. But that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to enjoy love play! Rather, you will be redoubling your efforts to please the women in your life with your tongue and hands. For advice on how to properly serve a woman with your mouth, refer to chapter 45.

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