Ladies Comedy Night

Jeff had been at college for a few months now, and to his great disappointment he remained a virgin. On the one hand, the college experience did meet the expectations he had developed from movies and pop culture at large: the girls around campus really did put on their sluttiest outfits and go home with random guys they met at parties. They just weren’t going home with him. Most recently he had worked up the courage to flirt with Kayla, a beautiful and busty sophomore in the Kappa sorority, when they met at a house party. The two happened to be in the same history class and Jeff tried to make some small talk about their professor. Kayla had to admit she found his awkward nervous energy kind of cute, but ultimately separated from him and sent a “you up?” text to Marcus, one of the athletes who she kept in her sexual rotation. After a good fucking in his room at the frat house, the young pair passed out. Because Marcus had to leave early for basketball practice, Kayla was sent off bright and early for yet another “walk of shame” across campus, still sporting the previous nights’ heels and fuck-me dress.

When Kayla was in high school she had a boyfriend. In fact, this boy had been her only sexual partner prior to starting college. She didn’t particularly miss her high school sweetheart specifically, but she did miss having a proper boyfriend. Her Kappa sisters all approached college as a time for sleeping around and exploring their sexuality (just her pledging experience only had involved adventures into anal sex, lesbianism and group sex), without committing themselves to any one partner. Only a small few of the Kappa ladies, and mostly seniors, had monogamous relationships. But nevertheless, the trips to student health clinic for STD checks and these demoralizing early morning hangover treks across the quad sometimes left her wanting something more stable.

So when Jeff saw Kayla in class on Tuesday, her blonde locks pulled back in girlish pigtails and her knockers pressing against her too-small cardigan, he felt embarrassed for even trying to get in her pants the previous weekend. But to his surprise, she approached him!

“Hey Jeff!”

“Uhh hi Kayla,” he replied. “It was good seeing you at that rager on Friday.”

“Rager?” thought Kayla. “This guy is such a dork, maybe I’m making a mistake.” But despite her internal thoughts, what Kayla said was: “I know! That was fun! Listen, Jeff, I was wondering, I’m going to see one of the Kappa girls do stand-up at this comedy club on Saturday, do you want to come with me? Like, on a date?”

“Of course!” he blurted out and then tried to regain his composure. “I mean, if I’m not doing anything.” Kayla gave him an inquisitive look and poor Jeff dialed his enthusiasm up again, “which, I’m not! So yes let’s do it!”

“Great! It’s at this bar called Smiley’s, meet me there around 7? The comedy show starts at 730.”

“I’ll be there!”

Naturally Jeff was ecstatic and spent the rest of the week nervously planning out his Saturday night, specifically the end of the night, when he would lose his virginity to the lovely blonde with the big tits. He read countless forum posts about pleasing a woman to make sure he did not give Kayla the impression that she was his first. When Saturday came around, rather than consider the possibility that she liked him for who he was, nerdy graphic tees and all, Jeff put on khakis and a golf shirt. This was a regular outfit choice for the muscle-bound studs that typically had the privilege of railing Kappa girls like Kayla, but on Jeff it just looked too-big. When Kayla saw him walk into Smiley’s she shuddered. This scrawny bespectacled kid in a baggy pink polo looked like some kind of school shooter.

Getting settled at a table a bit far from the stage, Jeff observed from a flyer on their table that this event was billed as “P#$$Y POWER: An All-Ladies Comedy Night.”

“I know…” Kayla purred, “I honestly didn’t realize that, I just knew that Cami was performing. You’re not mad?”

“No, no worries!” Jeff assured her, “I mean joke are jokes, am I right?”

Cami. Looking further down the flyer Jeff confirmed that the femme-centric comedy night had a lady emcee, two opening female comics, followed by the headlining Cami Givens, or, the single most attractive woman that Jeff had seen in his life. She was a caramel-skinned cutie that turned heads wherever she went, on account of both her stunning facial features and her incredible shapely rear end. He had briefly met her once at a party where she had gracefully moved around the room, wide hips swaying and ass bouncing gently behind her, seeming to know everyone and, indeed, making everyone laugh.

Entrance to the event included two free drinks, and Jeff noticed everyone getting good and drunk. The crowd being mostly college students, they had probably pre-gamed the night with a few shots before even getting to the bar. Around the stage at a smattering of tables sat probably 60-80 young women, including many Kappa sisters present to support Cami. Jeff clocked only a few other men, who also appeared to have been brought along as dates. As the emcee got the night underway she too made note of the crowd’s gender imbalance, saying, “How about that we have 3, or is that 4, gentlemen in attendance?? Oh but that one’s Johnny, he’s my boyfriend, so that doesn’t count. He has to be here.” This quip got some laughs and with help from the libations the crowd had a loose and fizzy energy befitting a comedy night.

The first two acts, and the emcee with her transitional bits, used their time for some fairly harmless and uninspired riffs about dating, modern technology, and life in a college town. “What the deal with dining hall food? I mean, at least with shitty airplane food, I’m literally in a metal tube soaring above the earth, making a trip in hours that our ancestors would have made in three weeks!” Of course, there was the expected gentle ribbing of men, which got the girls giggling as well. “If my clitoris was playing in the Super Bowl maybe these men would starting giving it the attention it deserves!” When Jeff heard this one, he smirked and felt relieved that he would have no issue finding and teasing Kayla’s clit, thanks to his recent internet research.

Finally, the emcee introduced Cami, by which time everyone in the crowd was good and drunk — some of these girls were downright hammered. The sultry young woman, exuding confidence like always, strutted onto the stage in a too-small white tennis skirt and a tight white baby tee with “Make Boys Cry” printed in a puffy bubblegum pink font across the chest. Her curly black hair was fashioned into a small afro and the strip of brown flesh between her tee and her skirt emphasized her divine hourglass figure. Instinctively, Jeff leaned forward in his seat, which Kayla noticed with a twinge of jealousy. “Hellloooo ladies, how we doing tonight?” Cami yelled out into the microphone and was greeted with hoots, hollers and applause. “Okay okay, glad we’re doing good, happy Saturday y’all.”

“Well I’m glad *you’re* all doing good, because I’m not!” She prowled around the stage grinning, only she knew where she was going with this bit, and she obviously loved controlling the room. Her power on the stage, she felt, had much in common with the general power she’s had over men and women since she first blossomed into a women as a teenager. She loved the sense that they were wrapped around her finger by her beauty and confidence. “I had a bit of a bummer night last night, not to be a Debbie Downer but I had one of those experiences I think a lot of you gals in the crowd have had before too. So I was at the bar, met a cute guy, decided to bring him home with me. So far so good right?? What the problem? Anyone wanna guess what went wrong?”

She seemed to genuinely want an answer from the floor, and while some of the girls in the crowd were whispering and giggling amongst each other, none of them felt brave enough to say it out loud. “That’s right,” Cami said, and changed her face from the knowing smirk into a comical pouty face, frowning while jutting out her bottom lip. At the same time she held up her hand with just her pinky sticking out. She looked back and forth, still sporting a comically pouty expression on her beautiful face, between her pinky finger and the audience, where dozens of young women laughed hysterically at the “small penis” gesture. She looked back-and-forth a few more times, letting the laughter die down before she announced, “baby dick!”

“Oh I was so ready to fuck this boy, we were rolling around in the covers, and normally I have ‘em good and hard by the time we’re in bed, so when I’m feeling over his pants for a stiffy, I’m getting a little concerned. Sure enough I unzip him, and I’m still hoping against hope that he’s got a man’s dick about to flop out of his drawers. But no. No such luck. Little baby chapstick tube peepee!”

Jeff, who had already been mildly uncomfortable, now started to feel a nasty combination of fear and rage, especially when he noticed how much Kayla was enjoying this mean-spirited bit. After all, he was already insecure about his 4-inch cock (he’d once measured it closer to 5” but felt like he was cheating be pushing the ruler to far into the flesh around his cock’s base) even though no lady had yet laid eyes on it. In what felt like further insult to injury, Cami continued riffing about how it was really not fair for God to create men with such variety in their dick sizes.

Eventually, Cami transitioned into a new bit, and Jeff felt relieved that the whole “size matters” topic was over. “But God bestows blessing and trials on women too. Soooo, I’m mixed race, maybe you can tell. Y’all out there wondering, ‘Is she Cuban?’ ‘Is she some kind of Columbian-Ethiopian mix?’” Everyone laughed, and Jeff thought to himself that anyone could be a comedian with a crowd as drunk as these girls. “No, that’s your coffee, the Ethiopian-Columbian blend. But I am mixed-race. Yup, I’m Blasian. Black daddy and a Chinese mama. So that means I got the nappy hair and the small tits.” Cami did that sexy frown again, and Jeff found this all a bit condescending — Cami was an incredibly attractive woman with normal-sized breasts. He had even seen her tits! Playing beer pong at a party, Cami made a last ditch effort to distract her opponents by flashing them right as they went to toss their ping-pong balls. Jeff had been lucky enough to catch a glance of her grapefruit-sized boobs.

“But on the other hand,” Cami said as her frown turned into a devious smile, “I got the skinny Asian waist and the big ole’ black booty.” Jeff felt the blood flowing to his cock as he watched Cami spin around and use the mic stand as an impromptu stripper pole. She twerked and bounced her ass up-and-down in her little airy tennis skirt, revealing a little white thong beneath. “Yup and my high school was almost all white kids. Boy, they must have thought I was something else! Yeah I had them boys wrapped around my finger!! Anyone else use high school to practice all their cock-teasing skills??” The ladies around the tables were laughing and whispering amongst each other, as Cami strut around the stage, saying “Oops! I dropped my pencil,” and bending over at the waist, as her big round brown buttcheeks poked out from under her skirt. Kayla wished she was at one of the tables with her sorority sisters, enjoying the show. Instead she was stuck with this prick who looked like he was about to cum in his pants watching Cami. If only he knew, Kayla thought, that just a year ago, as a Kappa pledge, she was blindfolded with her face jammed into Cami’s ample backside, giving her a good pussy-licking from the rear.

“Shit,” the comedienne continued,  “I even had half the teachers around my finger!” She leaned into the crowd showing cleavage and poking her buttocks up in the air. “Umm I’m sooo sorry Mr. Morello, I forgot my homework again,” she said breathily while biting her lip. “Who else teased their male high school teachers??” Almost all the girls in the crowd laughed and raised their hands, including Kayla, to Jeff’s discomfort. “And it’s like, we can tease and torment them all we want and they can’t do anything — Don’t let me walk up to the principal yelling ‘This nigga a pedophile!’” Cami was getting ever-more raucous laughter from the crowd. “But high school’s a drag because when I’m dressing all slutty and swaying my hips, I’m doing it for the 5-10 seniors that I have a crush on. I’m doing it for the football team. And yet I have to feel the stares of every mouth-breathing gamer-ass goofy little nerd in the building!” Jeff cringed as he remembered lusting after all the hot girls in high school, and he felt his rage growing as the women in the crowd, including his date, all seemed to agree that people like him don’t deserve to even *look at* their bodies, much less touch them.

“I remember this one boy would just stare and stare and stare. One day I finally confront him, like ‘Yo, Michael, are you gonna say something to me or just keep devouring my body with your eyes?’ He must have never in a million years thought a pretty girl like me would give him the time of day.”

Cami goes into an act-out of the event. She stiffens up and does a nasally nerdy voice, “He’s all ‘Uhh-uh C-cc-c-amille, would you want to go out with me sometime?’” Cami breaks from the impression and opens her mouth wide to the audience. “He actually thought I was encouraging him to ask me out!”

The crowd waited in suspense as Cami paced around the stage murmuring into the microphone, “I tried to let him down easy, really I did,” to much laughter. “I swear, I did… But to be honest, what came out of my mouth was probably more like, ‘Ohh sweetie, I wouldn’t go out with if you were the last man on Earth and I had furniture to move!’”

The crowd was cracking up at yet another story of Cami’s cruelty, but Jeff just seethed and seethed. “And he comes back, listen to this, this little freak gets some kind of racist jolt of confidence and hits me with, ‘It’s fine, I only date white girls, not whatever weird mutt-mix you are.’” You could heard  a pin drop after the recollection of this boy’s racist rebuttal silenced the crowd. Cami milked the silence with a look of shock and disgust on her face for a few seconds before breaking back into her mischievous schoolgirl character.

“And I was a naughty little girl to be honest… to be honest maybe I still can be.” At this comment Cami sucked her fingers seductively, which got laughs from the ladies and made Jeff keep boiling. He hated how no matter how evil this woman might be, he would still crawl through broken glass to have his way with her for just 10 minutes. “But anyways,” she continued, "I decide I need revenge. So I had my bestie ready outside the science room waiting for little Michael to leave class. On his way out, carrying all his little books and notebooks, bestie book-checks the lad. Then, and you know I got another girlie filming this whole situation, while Michael is bent over gathering his stuff.” Cami did a little act out and squatted down, with her legs spread in a ’v’ shape, pretending to gather invisible papers off the floor. Jeff, just as he would have done in high school, greedily enjoyed the view of the white cotton triangle covering Cami's crotch. “He’s down there like this, and then little old me comes up behind him,” now Cami stood up to act out her role in the scene, bringing her right leg back behind her, high in the air. “BAM! Kick in the balls!” She sent the right leg flying through the air. As the crowd laughed she got them going even more with her ever-expressive face, standing upright and putting her hand over her gaping mouth, darting her eyes back and forth, as if to say, “Oops! Did I do that?”

“So then while he’s all squirming and kicking around on the floor, in his high pitched voice whining, ‘whaaaat the fuck?? my nuuuuuttttsss!’,” and here Cami covered her crotch with her hands and contorted her face in mock pain. “While he’s down there realizing his choices have consequences, I give him a little pat on the head and I tell him: ‘And I don’t like little shrimp-dick white boys. By the way, I’m asian and black, so I know all about karate and all about making peanut butter!’”

By now the crowd had erupted into sheer joy and riotous laughter, Kayla included. But Jeff was fuming. He looked around to the few other men in the crowd and they were wincing but not without some schadenfreude at the tale of the beta male humbled by the lovely vixen on stage. Emboldened in part by the liquor, Jeff decided to cup his hands into a megaphone around his mouth and yell, “BOOO!” This started to quiet the crowd, as people looked around the room to see who was trying to spoil their fun.

Without missing a beat Cami said, “Uh-oh. Who invited the male ego??” which got the crowd to giggling again. Cami continued, “No really, where’s he at??”

Jeff glanced at Kayla who merely raised her eyebrows at him, which he interpreted as, “Really? You’re on your own with this one…”

Feeling defiant in his justified anger, Jeff raised his hand, announcing, “Right here. Not laughing.”

Cami directed her attention squarely to him before turning to the crowd and cooing, “Ohh he’s sensitive isn’t he??” The crowd had started again with nervous laughter at this unplanned showdown. “Sir you don’t think *I’m* funny or you just don’t think *nutshots* are funny??” she asked Jeff directly. Before he could answer she continued, “Actually, come on up here so we can share the mic, let’s talk this out.” Jeff rose from his seat and shuffled up to the stage where Cami repeated her questions.

“You’re plenty funny, I guess, but it’s just the attacks on the groin. That’s not funny.”

“Oh it’s not?? You ever heard of Jackass?? Or Tosh.0?? America’s Funniest Home Videos??”

“I just don’t think they’re funny.”

“Well, the whole world seems to disagree.” Cami turned to the crowd and asked, “Who here finds it funny when a man, especially a deserving fellow, gets a good crack to the sack?” The whole crowd raised their hands, even the 3 other men, and even Jeff’s hot blonde date. Taking note of this, Cami pointed her out and winked at her. Unbeknownst to Jeff, these two had more than just the required hazing lesbian experiences together. “That’s your date?? Come on up here girl.”

Kayla joined Jeff and Cami on the stage. Jeff still thought, in his male confusion, not helped by the alcohol, that he might take Kayla home and fuck her tonight. Cami could tell from her sorority sister’s disposition that there was no chance in hell that was happening, and she started to form a little plan of her own.

“Well she thinks nutshots are funny. Jeff, you ever been hit in the nuts, is that why this is such an uncomfortable topic for you??”

“No, not really.”

Cami turned to the crowd and proclaimed, “Tell you don’t have sisters without telling me you don’t have sisters, am I right ladies?” which got a big laugh from the crowd. They were all made quite excited, titillated even, by this surprise turn of events.

“I’m almost at time here, sir, but I’m glad you’re up here because if I don’t get a laugh from everyone that’s paid to come see me, I’ll feel like a failure. I got time for one more joke, I hope it’s more your speed, young man.” Cami turned to the crowd and placed her hands together and inhaled deeply, exhaling slowly. “Ok,” she turned to Jeff, “Knock knock.”

Cami leaned the mic in its stand towards Jeff who rolled his eyes and answered, “Who’s there?”

“It’s your yoga teacher, let’s see a Rising Sun,” and she spread her arms apart and up above her head. Jeff took the cue and copied her position.

Cami and Jeff held their matching yoga positions for a moment and then Cami again closed her fist and knocked on an invisible door two feet in front of Jeff. “Knock knock!”

Jeff lowered his arms, but before he could answer, Cami grabbed his wrists and brought them back above his head, “No, no, no! You need to hold the position!!” With Jeff back in the Rising Sun position, Cami knocked again.

“Who’s there?”

“It’s your yoga teacher, I’m back again. Now we need the Pyramid.”

Cami brought her hands to a point above her head with her elbows pointing out and Jeff matched the new position.

The audience giggled at the absurdity of this whole prolonged “joke,” strange as it was.

Then, after another beat, Cami knocked again.

“Who’s there?”

“Ok it’s the yoga teacher again, wide-stance Downward Dog this time.”

Cami deliberately turned away from Jeff and stuck her ass in the air, spreading her legs with her feet apart and brought her hands to the ground in front of her. Jeff’s dick jumped anew at the site of Cami’s plump booty in the little white thong again escaping from her schoolgirl skirt. Grateful for the view, and up close this time, he gladly assumed the new position. Meanwhile, Kayla had been observing this whole charade from behind Jeff. Now she saw the point to all this and flashed an evil grin. Cami straightened up, and turned to face Jeff, who was still in the “wide-stance Downward Dog” position. The two sorority sisters made eye contact and winked at each other, with this compliant little dork stuck in between them, frozen in a totally compromised position.

“Okay, knock knock!” Cami yelled.

“Who’s there?” answered Jeff, his head still facing the ground in his yoga position.

Cami put on a hackneyed Russian accent and said, “Neevah Truss.”

Glad that the yoga teacher was finally gone, thinking he was a step closer to the end of this bizarre “comedy” show and getting his dick into at least one of Kayla’s holes, Jeff answered, “Neevah Truss who??”

Cami nodded and Kayla sent her foot full-force into the exposed and waiting crotch of her date. From his position he had four points of contact with the floor, but strong-legged soccer-playing girl that she was, Kayla’s punt lifted all four points of contact up off the stage: indeed, Jeff was actually suspended for a moment in mid-air, his balls destroyed and his ego shattered.

“Neevah Truss that ballbusting yoga teacher! She set you up!” Cami yelled into the mic, but it was hard to hear her over the roar of laughter from the drunk girls in the crowd. Cami and Kayla high-fived each other and let Jeff writhe around on the stage in pain while the audience laughed hysterically. Camille closed with, yelling into the mic over the squeals of girlish laughter, “There’s only two things in the whole world that are more sensitive than a man’s ego — and they’re hanging right between his legs!”

The sorority sisters walked off the stage together, leaving Jeff crumpled over himself in misery. As they sauntered back-stage, Cami caressed the younger Kappa’s ass, whispering to her, “Good job love, that kick made me *wet!!”* Kayla, eager for Cami’s body but still craving the touch of a real man, texted Marcus, “Marcus baby wyd?? I need your cock and so does my Kappa sis Cami… threesome tonight??”