Losing faith in Islam

I (23M) grew up in the west as a modestly practicing Muslim, from a strict Islamic family. However, In late high school & college, my faith was wavering. I had a lot of unanswered questions about Islam, which
was hard to deal with (ie, why is there so much evidence for evolution, why is homosexuality haram if allah made people naturally gay, why would allah burn people forever for simply not believing, etc. )

Additionally, for a variety of unfortunate reasons, I went through many many mental health struggles these past few years. I slowly stepped further and further away from Islam, but I still held on to certain things as a Muslim.


Eventually, in final year of college, I met this wonderful (agnostic) girl. I was so lonely before I met her, but we started dating and she helped me so much with my depression. She gave my life color. She’s an angel. In my mind I knew dating was haram, but my faith wasn’t strong and I loved her so much. I have been mistreated and bullied by my family (mother and older brother) for my whole life but she was the only person who would be there for me, who truly cared about my feelings. We dated for three years, and she was my best best friend. However, after an umrah trip and this past Ramadan, the guilt of dating was building up inside of me and killing me. One month ago, I made the hardest decision of my life and ended things with her. I am crushed. She used be there for me when I was alone, when my family would mistreat me, and now I have to deal with it alone.

Nowadays my mom screams in my face and berates me for staying in bed. But I have depression and it gets very hard some days. Over the years I’ve tried (years of) therapy, and multiple psychiatric medications, but still I suffer so much. My mom sees me in pain, crying my eyes out, having panic attacks, but often her anger (about not doing chores, etc) overtakes her and she continues to berate me even then, yelling for hours. She knows my struggles and I’ve explained myself to her so many times, but her anger overtakes her. She has anger issues. It feels so cruel. 50% of the time she is an amazing mom who does so much for me, but the other times. She makes me suicidal. I even harm myself bc of her. If I ever stand up to her, she screams at the top of her lungs and guilt trips me, and uses Islam as a tool to put me down (ie I’m your mom, allah says respect me). I’m normally a very calm person, but with her, I sometimes lose my temper and scream back, I even hit myself, and it’s because she pushes me to these extremes. I don’t behave like this w anyone else. But then the Islamic guilt of yelling at my mom eats me up. I feel trapped. Islam orders me to respect my mom , but it’s too painful. She abuses me. I can’t leave the house as I don’t have the means.

A part of me wants to leave Islam. I always had doubts, but I’d try to work through them, But now I’m losing hope. I don’t feel good praying bc I think “if my parents are mad at me, Allah is mad at me”… I want to just cut my family off and go back to my gf, the one person who cares for my feelings. Maybe Islam isn’t for me I think. But then on other days I yearn to be Muslim, and I get afraid of being a family outcast if I leave. Please help me. I’m lost and suffering. I need advice.