Rant I Guess?

In January, I accidentally assaulted my girlfriend. I wasn’t doing anything we hadn’t done before and she never said stop or anything, but I didn’t ask for consent and in doing so caused her immense trauma and stress. She broke up with me shortly after that and it wasn’t until around a month later that I found out why she really broke up with me. Anyways, she hates my ass (and rightfully so) a lot and she told all our mutual friends who then told most of my friends. Even though they try to hide it, some of my closest friends are struggling to come to terms with the fact that I did this and they’re still my friend. My ex and what I did to her are all I can think about and I can’t sleep because of it. I feel horrible about everything I did and although I won’t do it because of the pain it would cause my friends and family, I just want to end it all. I just wish I was never born. Obviously it would be good for me to move on, but I don’t deserve to just do that to her and then move on to another person. I should have to deal with the consequences of being a shitty person. I miss her so fucking much and I can’t stop thinking about her. It’s to the point where I’ll be lying in bed crying and I’ll hold a pillow close to myself but then I’ll imagine her voice telling me to please let go of her and I freak out and push the pillow and any blankets away before curling into a ball outside of the covers, even when it’s freezing. Anyway, please tell me if you have any advice, but I don’t think there’s really a solution here in which I’m both happy and not undermining how terrible it was for me to do that