I wanna get some opinions on my thoughts

Hi, I want to apologize in advance for the incoming yap that this is about to be, but I’ve been thinking a lot about my identity and how that expression will affect my life going forward as a whole, and really trying to just weigh my options and figure out what I want to do going forward.

I’m 18 years old, and this year I’ll be going into my senior year of high school. I’m like 90% sure that I’m transgender FtM, and I’ve been thinking pretty long and hard into what that means for me and my future. This isn’t like a recent thought either; kind of always known deep down that this was how I felt, but I feel like I don’t really know what to do with that feeling.

It’s not like I live in a super homophobic area or anything; like, it’s not like it’s super accepted, but there are, I guess, LGBT-plus-friendly groups at my school. I just feel it; I don’t really fit in anywhere there. Like, even if I were to come out and try to transition, I don’t think it would work; like, I don’t even think I could trick myself into thinking I look like a boy.

I have this friend who’s also transgender, and I’m really, really jealous of him. I don’t really ever express that out loud, and it’s pretty easy to forget about when I don’t think about it, but I know deep down I kind of just wish I could be like him. Like, I don’t mean to diminish anyone’s struggles, but things always look so much nicer from the outside looking in, and all he had to do was get a haircut and put a binder on, and everybody already assumes he’s a boy; just looks so masculine, and it’s like it’s just second nature for him.

Like, it’s totally not his fault, and I feel so awful anytime I think of being jealous of him at all, but I can get all the haircuts I want; it’s not going to change the fact that I have massive boobs and such a girly body. I’m so scared that I’m just going to be like this forever; I never expressed who I am and how I feel to anybody, and someday I’ll be like 80 years old and my whole life will be over, and I’ll never have gotten to be or look how I wanted.

And I know that makes me like an awful person to think like that about my friend, and if I told him, he’d probably be super accepting, but I just feel like I always keep these feelings so pushed down inside; and in writing them out as they are now; they just kind of burst forward.

I guess my question as a whole is: is there any like real point into me coming out and attempting to transition if I physically know I will never look like a boy? Like, I’m trying to weigh if it’s more mentally damaging to just live the rest of my life closeted but at least people will accept me and I’ll look in a line with people’s interpretation of my presentation, or is it better to transition but potentially deal with the mental repercussions of not ever aligning with how I want to look?