How I knew I was a cuck [True story]

How I knew I realized a was a bit of a cuck

I was in a long term relationship with my first gf from hs. She had good grades so she got a full ride scholarship to an all girls school in the east coast.

Since we were long distance and really young, we talked about exploring the idea of an open relationship. It was more so me that brought it up wanting to have fun while she was away… well, he first or second year in college, she ended up going to a party at another college. Turns out, she met a guy there she was kind of into. She got his number and they ended up going out later down the road. I didn’t know of this as I didn’t want to know about the details of the open relationship.

She felt guilty and ended up telling me that she had gone to his place… she didn’t give me details of what they did, saying she didn’t want to be specific and that she felt bad about doing it… at first I was really upset that she told me. I felt embarrassed and jealous and really didn’t like that I knew. I kept asking her what they did but she refused to answer. I asked her if she kissed him and she said maybe. I asked if she did oral and that’s when she hard stopped answering details.

Obviously, I assumed she didn’t and I got really upset and flustered. We fought about it a bit. Time moved on and we didn’t break up, but I couldn’t get passed knowing she had met up with someone else…

Time passed, but I kept feeling upset when I’d remember it. I’d try to push it out of my head and try not to think about it, but it became harder and harder to do so. Over time I realized I would start getting hard when I’d think about it. I’d refuse to acknowledge it for years. One day I decided to stop trying to force it out of my head and just sit with it. I ended up really jealous but really aroused too… I couldn’t believe it and I was so embarrassed but I couldn’t deny I was getting turned on thinking about and imaging what she did with that guy…

To this day idk what they did. We split a bit back but I’ll never forget that feeling when she told me…