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I had butterflies in my stomach as I approached the lecture hall that my friend Colleen asked me to show up to for her noon lecture. She had a biology lab and she said she needed a "male specimen". I jumped at the opportunity. I didn't know what she wanted exactly, but I had been barking up the tree of getting with her for a few months now, so any chance for her to see me as a "male" was good enough for me. When I got to the hall, I was shocked to see how many people were filing in. She had made it out to be just one or two dozen students in the class, so seeing hundreds of students caught me off guard. I hadn't been given instructions on what to do, so I naturally just followed the crowd in. But I was caught off guard by a woman yelling my name:
"JARED! There you are!" I feel a forceful tug on my arm almost pull me to the ground.
"Everyone was worried you wouldn't come!" She said, sounding genuinely worried.
"Um no I would never!" I stammered, admittedly confused.
"Good!" You can go backstage to get changed!" She pointed me to a door that seemingly led behind the stage the audience would be facing. I have no idea what I would be 'changing into' but I followed her directions, assuming it would be explained to me backstage.
I head backstage and see a bunch of female college students, all dressed in black, walking around seeming very busy. I casually walk around, trying to figure where I should be headed. Not before long, one of these female students scolds me.
"Excuse me sir, but only personnel assisting to today's presentation can be backstage!" Before she can direct me back to the exit, I try to explain.
"Oh, uh, Colleen asked me to help her with the presentation today." I stutter out.
Hey eyes light up unexpectedly at this revelation "Oh, you're Jared???" She says, almost holding back a laugh. "Okay that changes everything. Alexa! Jared is here! Can you point him to his station and help him get dressed!"
Another young woman, apparently Jenny, strolls up. "*You're Jared?*" She says, almost surprised that I'm the one helping out. She sizes me up for a few seconds; what feels like an eternity.
"Okay, if you're up for it, follow me" Before giving me a moment to decide, she grabs my wrist and drags me forward. She leads me through a crack in the curtain, leading me to an open area on the stage enclosed in a front curtain. She drags me toward an X on the floor that says 'Male' and I stand above it.
"Ok now, you should be able to change here." I'm confused by what she means.
"Uh nobody has given me any costume or anything." I respond.
"Gotcha, why don't you go ahead and take off your shoes and socks?" I comply immediately.
"Thanks. I'll take these and put them in the dressing room. Be right back"
Before I know it two more young women come up to me. One dressed in all black, one wearing only her bra and panties. The one wearing just her underwear seems mad at me.
"Wait why is he wearing all that??" She asks the other woman, accusingly.
"She's right." The other woman quickly concedes. "Give me your shirt and pants real quick and then we'll go ahead."
"Uh what am I going to be wearing?" I have to ask
"No time to explain, I'll just take the shirt and pants for now" Considering the urgency and the woman standing in her underwear next to me, I don't have it in my to argue. I take off my shirt and then my jeans. I hand it to the woman, who then quickly runs off with them. Leaving me wearing nothing but my boxer briefs next to the woman in her underwear. I'm trying to get comfortable feeling so naked, but before I can process, my worst fear happens. The curtains open up in the front revealing us to the entire audience of hundreds of attendees already in their seats. The spotlights are already on my and the other woman and to my surprise, a tepid applause breaks out.
Next, my friend Colleen enters from stage left, to a much more enthusiastic applause. She quickly steps forward to address the crowd.
"Thank you. thank you all for being here. Today will be a continuation in our Biology departments deep dive into physical sexual dimorphism. We've discussed many of the genetic and hormonal differences between the sexes, but today we address the most drastic difference in the sexes: The physical difference in the genitalia." The crowd applauds again.
"Far and away the biggest difference in the genitalia between humans is the external nature of the male genitalia vs. the internal nature of the female genitalia. This has to do with heat regulation. Females are able to regulate the heat of their ovaries internally, whereas males are unable to, and have to extend their testicles externally. What's interesting, is how this dictates differences in human responses. Christina, can you step forward?" The woman in her underwear next to me steps forward.
"Examine the response to this physical stimulus" With little fanfare she kicks Christina in between the legs. She's clearly affected by the sudden impact. The audience (and I) are caught off guard by Colleen's sudden attack on this poor woman. Though that clearly hurt, she keeps her ground and recovers quickly.
"As you can see, what was very solid stimulus that would be painful at any part of the female body, wasn't incapacitating. This is because her body had natural protection for all her internal organs, especially her ovaries." While explaining this, she walked away from Christina and toward me.
"This is a huge biological advantage to human females, because a male can be completely incapacitated by much lesser force." With no warning, Colleen swings her fist down towards my groin and strikes my testicles. The pain shoots up directly into my stomach and freezes me in my steps. I immediately fall to the ground in a mix of shock and pain.
"Notice how a much lesser force was able to deal much more damage to our male volunteer." The crowd gives this obvious declaration an applause
"These two responses show the genius of the female body and the male body respectively. The female body protects the reproductive organs by hiding them internally. Making them a harder target."
"The male body has a much different strategy. Due to the need to regulate heat externally, and the high risk of genital damage when a male would be hunting prey, exploring the unknown, or protecting a female partner from enemies, the male body must innovate in order to protect the reproductive organs."
"and that innovation comes in the form of incredible pain" Right as I'm feeling better, Colleen swings her leg into my groin at a similar intensity with which she kicked Christina, the woman helping with the presentation. The crowd sounds surprised, but applauds even louder.
"You see, we tend to think of pain as a bad thing, almost as a biological defect. But if you remember its broader biological role, you can see how it's an invaluable asset to the male species. The body is able to overcome its vulnerabilities in anatomy by providing males an incentive to protect their testicles." She kneels down to me and says.
"Of course, it seems our volunteer Jared skipped this lesson" And punctuates her point with another slap to my balls. Her statement and this slap gets a hearty laugh from the audience.
"However, what is more intriguing is the evolutionary implications of the need to protect testicles from predators. It implies that at some point during human evolution, there might have been a natural predator targeting the gonads of the males of our species. This theory is supported by how visible the testicles are when compared to other mammalian species. Christina?"
Before I can process what Colleen just said, the female volunteer, Christina, has already stepped behind me and pulled down my boxer briefs, exposing my dick and balls to the entire audience. The audience gasps, clearly not expecting the display.
"You see, in most male mammals, the testicles are tucked safely between the legs. But with humans who stand upright on two legs, the testes are facing forward, exposed to any potential predators." She uses my upright position as an opportunity to knee me in the balls. I'm clearly incapable of tying the logic of her speech to her repeated assault on my nuts.
"While it's difficult for us to compare the sensation, it's possible that this means the pain response in humans might be even stronger than in other mammals." This seems like one of the major revelations to the crowd, as they all started jotting notes.
"Perhaps even more terrifying, is that we can use the varying intensities in pain response to estimate the likelihood in who these predators might have been. For example, even a slight pull on the testicles can cause a distress response."
She pulls harshly on my balls. She drags them forward and squeezing them in her hand. I desperately try to follow her hand, but she's so erratic I get no relief.
"This strategy is theorized to be used by other primates to neutralize other males from the breeding pull." Mercifully, she lets go.
"But some of these attacks could be less conventional. You see, testicles can often be vulnerable targets during sleep. Not only could larger predators seize the chance to attack. But smaller predators can also leverage the chance to claw or bite at the testes in an attempt at protecting their own turf. We theorize this due to the addition of sharp pain receptors." The crowd is as confused by this as I am.
"Christina, could you gently hold our male specimen in place?" I noticed I'm no longer a volunteer but rather a specimen. Either way, Christina does as instructed and grabs both my balls in place. Colleen walks off stage and comes back just a moment later.
"We can replicate the sensation of such an attack using modern tools. For example, many men who have experienced a sting to the testicles from a creature such as a scorpion have likened it to that of a low grade taser."
To my horror she pulls out a taser and shows it to the audience. She activates it once and an audible shock sound emanates off it. I instinctively try to step away, but Christina has already grabbed my balls and his holding them in place. It hurts to try to walk away, but not as much as what's about to happen.
"Clear!" Colleen says before shocking my testes with her taser. My whole body flinches dramatically. Christina lets go just in time. The shocking sensation lasts through my body longer than I'd care for. The audience is surprised by Colleen's escalation of force towards my balls, but eventually return to applause as she takes a bow.
"But beyond the biological implications of the male response system are the social implications. We've come to accept the largely patriarchal idea of male physical supremacy over women. But that's not universal, even among mammalians. For example, spotted hyenas have a heavily female dominated social dynamic. Much of that dominance is tied to anatomical advantages that the females have over males. It's possible that for most of pre-patriarchal human history, humans were similarly female dominated.
We can even find certain clues in male anatomy that support this hypothesis. For example, some of the greatest vulnerabilities in the male anatomy require a level of proximity that only human females can achieve."
I'm once again lost in her biology lecture. But I'm pleasantly surprised to feel the gentle sensation of Colleen caressing my nuts in her hand while she talks to the audience.
"For example, the most sensitive part of the male genitalia are actually the area just on the back of the testicles." With her other hand, she slams the back of my balls with deadly accuracy. True to her word, this was among her most painful blows yet. I collapse to the ground like a huge ball of puddy. Satisfied in her damage, she once again faces the audience.
"As you can see, we're still making progress unlocking the secrets of the male anatomy and what it can tell us about human history and social structure. I hope we can count on the university's continued support as I, Christina, and Jared, continue to push the boundaries in understanding the biological vulnerabilities in the male genitalia." She takes a bow. The audience rises from their seats to applaud. Christina runs from off stage to wave to the audience and take a bow of her own. While I'm still on the floor, they both gesture towards me, as if me lying there was my own form of taking a bow. Christina steps on my balls and claps triumphantly, much to the approval of the crowd.
The curtains finally draw closed, but Christina only keeps her weight on my nuts. Eventually the lights (and I) go black.