A Very Special Episode of Martha Stewart

“Hello, I am Martha Stewart and welcome to a very special episode of Martha Knows Best: After Hours.” The small studio audience, composed mostly of women, applauds.


“I have been known around the industry for quite some time now as a Ball Buster. Today, my live studio audience and select audiences at home will learn that it is more than just a cute tongue in cheek expression in my case.” A mild chatter fills the audience.


“Today’s topic is test-i-cle torture,” Martha chuckles. The women in the audience applaud enthusiastically. Some stand up to clap. Some hoot and whistle. The few men in attendance shift nervously in their seats.


“As with most of my crafts, they can be accomplished with everyday household items, or with items affordably obtained at your local craft store. Today’s episode is no exception.” A brief pause.


“Testicle torture is a favorite topic of mine. I feel like many women have a general dislike for the male gender. Whether it be gender inequalities in the workplace, unsolicited dick pics when dating, being cat-called on the street, or other similar disrespect. I myself have quite the disdain for men with being a strong minded woman in the male dominated industry of television…..but mostly, I just hate testicles.”


Martha pauses a moment and the audience applauds once again. A curtain behind her raises up. Behind the curtain reveals a table with a large glass bowl filled with water and a clump of light tan material submerged. Next to the bowl is a small white hand towel. Also on the table is a collection of art supplies: paint brushes, paints, glitter, scissors, glue, etc. To the left of the table, stands an object attached to a post on the stage, roughly six feet high, covered in front by a dark red satin sheet.


Martha walks back and stands in between the red object and the craft table. “For our first segment today I will be creating what is called an Indian Wrap.” Ooooooooh.


Martha turns around and grabs the red sheet at the top and pulls it down quickly for dramatic effect. Underneath stands a man, roughly mid-20s in age, short brown hair, and pale complexion. He is completely bound by saran wrap from his ankles all the way up to his neck with his arms firmly at his sides. Even though the saran wrap is tinted a light green and wrapped around the man many times, it is very apparent that he is completely naked underneath. He also has a red ball in his mouth and a strip of duct tape wrapped once around his head holding the ball in place.


“The subject on my right is Roger. He is an assistant to our daytime show. Recently I had become aware of some mild sexual harassment and sexist jokes from him. Today he gets a little payback,” Martha smiles smugly. The women in the audience cheer once more, while the men eye up the exits.


“As you can see, he is not a willing participant, so some small measures had to be taken.”


Martha walks behind the table and faces the audience once more. “The Indian Wrap was a torture technique used by Native Americans. Typically, used against those who raped women from their tribe or from rival tribes captured during battle. The men were bound on the ground by thick leather straps, their body in the shape of an X, arms and legs tied to neighboring trees. The natives would then take small wet leather strips and wrap them tightly around the captive’s testicles, fully encasing them with the wet leather. Over the span of 2-3 days, the wet leather would dry out and shrink, eventually crushing the testicles completely,” Martha chuckled as the audience murmured in amusement.


Martha reached down and picked up a small set of scissors off the table and walked over to Roger once more. “First we need a set of testicles to work with.” Roger’s eyes were large and filled with impending doom, his face showed determination as he vehemently fought against his restraints, but it just looked like a large vertical green caterpillar wiggling ever so slightly. The saran wrap appeared to be more than strong enough to hold him in place.


“I have in my hands safety shears for cutting the saran wrap and not cutting skin, lucky for Roger, “ Martha smirked. She cut away at the saran wrap, a small horizontal slit at the bulge of the bound man. After cutting through four or five layers, the color of his skin could be seen in the slit. She then used one hand to hold the slit open a bit and the other went into the opening, roughly rummaging around for his testicles. Once she located his testicles she pulled them through the opening and let them rest on the surrounding green saran wrap. They were quite warm and a little sweaty from Roger being bound in this fashion, so they hung quite low. As the studio’s cold air breezed over them, they did appear to contract ever so slightly.


“There we go, our focus, Roger’s testicles, “ Martha made a small ta-da gesture. The audience claps.


“The first thing I want to do is isolate his testicles. I need a tight little pouch to work with for this to be effective. Not a loosie goosy sack.” Martha stuck her finger into the middle of his scrotum and moved her finger around, jostling his balls about and emphasizing her point.


“To accomplish this I am going to apply a small silicone testicle cuff.” From her pocket she pulled out a pink silicone loop, roughly half an inch thick and two inches wide.


“Ladies, putting a cuff on a pair of loose testicles such as these can be a little tricky. I find it easiest to put the cuff on like you would put a band in your hair for a ponytail. Pull the ring up around your wrist. This can be a little tricky because the cuff is so firm, but most good testicle cuffs can expand just fine while maintaining their original form.” Martha pulls the pink cuff onto her right wrist.


“Then grab the testicles with that same hand and use your other hand to slide the cuff down into place.” Martha roughly grabs Roger’s testicles with her right hand and uses her left to pull the cuff down into place. An audible slap sound can be heard as Martha releases the cuff onto the base of his balls. Rogers grimaces and groans into the ball in his mouth. Martha then fondles his balls a little to inspect her work.


“It appears that Roger’s balls are still quite loose. The single cuff had only used up some of the slack in his scrotum. For him we will need to apply a second cuff. No big deal, I was prepared for this.” Martha reached into her pocket and pulled out a second pink silicon cuff and put it on Roger in much the same way as the first. She inspected her work once again.


“There we go, the testicles are now a full inch away from his body, and bound neatly in this tight little pouch.” She batted Roger’s balls so they bounced off the green saran wrap and wobbled around a bit afterwards. Martha smiled a large toothy grin.


“Let's now apply our Indian Wrap.” She walked back to the table and stood behind the glass bowl. “Traditionally, the natives used buffalo leather because it was all they had. The problem is that buffalo leather is thick and takes a long time to dry out, which is great for a long and slow squeeze over many days, but not so great for TV,” She chuckled. “Today I will be using lamb leather, a single strip can dry completely in 8-12 hours, or even faster if we so choose. Lamb is thinner, softer, and more pliable which makes it an excellent choice for this application.”


“The lamb leather I have today has been cut into a one inch wide strip and has been soaking for 48 hours, making it extremely elastic. This also means it will shrink more, and more quickly. Good for us, not so good for Roger” Martha turned to Roger and smiled. “I have also added a small amount of vinegar to the water, which gives the leather a sticky, gummy consistency while it is wet. This will help the leather stick to Roger’s testicles before it has dried.” Martha reaches into the water and pulls out a three foot long, one inch wide strip of the leather. “This should be more than enough leather to wrap Roger’s testicles. I will likely have to trim it down, but not knowing how large his testicles were, I had to plan for anything.”


“First I have to dry off the leather a bit. For this we can just pat dry the leather strip dry on a towel. Nothing special here, just make sure any excess water is dried off the leather, don’t want it to be dripping everywhere.” She blots the leather on the white towel, making sure all water has been removed from the leather.


“Next comes the fun part, wrapping the testicles.” Martha grabbed another scissors off the table along with the leather she had been working with and walked over to Roger again. Roger shaking his head and once again wiggling like a tall caterpillar against the large post.


“This part is very critical. You need to make sure that you completely cover the testicles. You also want to make sure to layer the wrap so that none of the pieces slip out of place, but layer them evenly so that parts don’t dry out before others. This way it’s a nice even squeeze. For me I have to be extra cautious not to layer too much because we want this to dry out quickly. I will be doing a double overlapping layer for reinforcement. This should provide full coverage, no slippage, and a quick dry for our audience's pleasure.” The audience once again cheered loudly. Some of the men had managed to slip out of the audience, while others chose to stay and see what happens with a morbid curiosity.


Martha began to work. A female camera woman pulled in close to get a close up of Martha working her magic. Martha began applying the leather at the base of his testicles where his testicles met the cuff. She made a full wrap around his testicles, making sure not to overlap the cuff. When the leather made a full loop, she angled the leather so that the second loop overlapped the first by very little and made a second loop around the middle of his testicles. The third loop was applied much the same way, overlapping the second loop ever so slightly and covering the top of his testicles.


“Excellent, I have made the first layer, completely covering his testicles. Now I will go back down his testicles covering the edges of the previous loops with my reinforcement loops. This will give us a full coverage, two layer, non-slip wrap.” Martha continued wrapping with the same strip of sticky leather, this time centering the wraps on where the previous loops met. She got back down to the base of his scrotum where the first loop of the leather had begun and trimmed off the excess. She tossed the excess leather aside.


“There we go, a full, two layer wrap.” The audience applauds.


“One thing you must do is squeeze the balls and wrap, we want these layers to stick together and begin gelling as one. I wrapped his balls fairly snug but not super tight, so squeezing the wrap will also prevent unraveling or slippage. But it's also fun just to squeeze balls.” Martha reaches down and gives Roger’s testicles a long firm squeeze. Martha makes sure to rub her thumb on the end of the leather strip so that it is also firmly in place and won’t unravel while she squeezes the captive balls firmly with her four fingers against her palm. While Martha squeezes and admires her handy work, Roger groans loudly and many of the audience members hear and begin to laugh. The women in the audience have mixed reactions to the long squeeze. Some giggle and exchange comments with their friends. Some are covering their mouths in a mix of shock, admiration, and excitement. Others lean forward in their chairs to get a better look with a large smile on their face.


“There, that should do it. The wrap is firmly in place. With two layers of wrap and full hydration of the leather, if we left Roger alone and did nothing, his balls would be crushed in about 18-24 hours due to having the two layers. But who wants to wait that long? Do all of you want to wait?”


“NO!!!” The audience collectively responds.


“I didn’t think so. So let’s speed things along a little bit.” Martha walks back to the table and picks up a hair dryer. She smiles and holds it up high for the audience to see. “What do you think?”


The audience goes wild. Some jumping in their seats and cheering, with some laughing and applauding. The men were all in a stunned silence. A single tear rolls down Roger’s hot cheek.

Martha walks over to Roger and plugs in the hair dryer into a socket on the floor at his feet.


“I think I will use the lowest heat setting to start.” She turned the flame dial on the dryer to 1, its lowest heat setting, then held the hair dryer’s trigger all the way down to get it to turn on and blow the air out at maximum velocity. She kept the hair dryer about half a foot or so away from the balls and made sure to blow the air on just the balls and not the saran wrap keeping Roger captive.


“Even with a hair dryer at my disposal, this can still take awhile.” Martha continued to fan the air at Roger’s balls. Sometimes she would move the hair dryer up close just to watch Roger squirm from the heat. She would maintain eye contact with him while she did this, then give him a little grin and relent a bit. After a couple minutes Martha moved to the other side and dried that side as well. She continued to play her little ‘Roast Roger’s Nuts’ game every once in a while when she felt like he wasn’t squirming enough to her liking. Many women in the audience picked up on this and chuckled as well.


“Alright, it's been roughly five minutes. Thank goodness this isn’t live television or that would have never been ok. It looks like the outer leather has darkened a bit and already started to shrink. Hopefully the inner layer has begun to dry out as well. Roger, do you feel anything yet?” Roger only lowly groaned. The wrap had contracted by roughly 10%.


“Well I’ve got an idea. I think Roger’s wrapped balls would look better if we decorated them! What do you think ladies?” More cheering from the audience. “Great, let me paint something on there that personifies how Roger will be feeling soon.” Martha went over to the table and got some black paint, a brush and some purple glitter.


Martha knelt down next to Roger’s balls and painted a large black circle on it. She then put two dots inside of the circle and then a downward facing parentheses. “There! A sad face.” Laughter comes from the audience. “Oh wait, forgot one thing.” Martha puts a small dash under one of the eyes. “He’s crying.” More laughter.


“I also got a little bit of purple glitter, I am going to generously put this on. Aside from the squeeze the leather is applying, this wrap needs more of the feminine touch.” Martha winks at the audience. She then sprinkles the glitter all over the leather wrapped balls. Martha steps back and admires her handy work. Roger wrapped head to toe in green saran, gagged securely, helpless to do anything to prevent his testicles impending demise. Balls pulled away from the body with two pink cuffs, wrapped firmly in a slowly drying leather wrap, sad face painted on the balls, and purple glitter sprinkled all over it.


“Ok, who wants to see Roger really squirm?” Loud cheers come from the audience.


Martha looks down at her hair dryer again and turns the flame dial up to 5, the maximum. “Let’s turn the heat up for Roger, literally.” Martha puts her head back and lets out a big laugh. Roger sees her turn the dial up and begins violently shaking his head about.


“Ok here comes the real fun.” Martha pulls the trigger of the hair dryer tightly, this time keeping it back about a foot at first, not sure how things will react to the greatly increased heat. Very hot air from the hair dryer is wafted across Roger’s quickly tightening balls.


The camera woman, once again comes in close for a close up shot of the action. Partly for good television, partly for her own curiosity. The audience facing monitors are now showing the close up shot as well. The women from the audience stare at the monitors and begin chanting, “MORE, MORE, MORE.”


A few from the audience yell out, “Crush those balls.” “Teach that creep a lesson.”


Martha continues to fan the hot air on Roger’s balls, switching sides periodically to ensure an even drying. More chanting, “MORE, MORE, MORE.” “Heat them up.” “Pop em.” “Make him a eunuch.” Roger’s head movements becoming more and more erratic. He is breathing heavily from his nose.


“There we go, I think we are at just the right amount of shrinkage for now. The outside leather has begun hardening and is showing some really great color. I estimate shrinkage is about 20-25%. Perfect for maximum effect. The pain has got to be incredible for ‘ole Roger.”


“Crush them!” “Crush those balls.” Is still periodically being spoken by the audience.


“Ladies, ladies. I love the enthusiasm, but I didn’t go out of my way to make this beautiful leather wrap, only to crush his balls completely within a span of 20 minutes. No, no, I could have easily done that with any number of tools I have at my disposal. The wrap is far more elegant and sophisticated than that. This is to make Roger suffer. Right now he is experiencing an extreme crushing sensation. His balls are being forced into a space 25% smaller than they previously, comfortably occupied. Left alone, this wrap will continue to dish out extreme, unrelenting pain. Our work here is done, for now. Let’s leave Roger alone to ‘enjoy’ the beautiful wrap we made for him while I move onto another segment.”


The curtains close behind Martha, obscuring Roger and the table. Behind the curtains, a couple of female stage hands come out from the sides of the stage. They approach Roger, giggling. Roger is still thrashing his head about periodically, groaning loudly. Sweat flowing from his forehead, breathing heavily from his nose. One attendant grabs his balls admiring Martha’s handiwork. “Wow, you really fucked up this time. Serves you right, you fucking jerk.” She drops his balls.


The other attendant lifts his balls with one hand and taps her nails on the wrap with her other hand. “Wow, she really sped up the drying process. He probably only has a couple hours left before he’s carrying around this sad sack of mush.”


“For sure,” the first attendant says in agreement. “Well, let's get him into position two. Martha wants the ladies to be able to watch his progress throughout her show.”


With that they went behind Roger and began removing a row of floor panels, making a straight path to the back of the stage. They then walked back to Roger and began pushing him, his segment of floor, slid along the track under the panels towards the back of the stage. “Too bad he isn’t facing the other way, it would be much more fun to pull him by his balls,” said the first attendant.


“Hahaha agreed.” said the second attendant.


Finally they got him to the rear of the stage. Roger still groaning and panting heavily. The ladies worked quickly, locking his floor segment in place, and putting the floor panels back into position. They then went back to the sides of the stage and came back with three cameras on tripods. One they set up about six feet away on his left side, one they set up at about eye level, two feet from his face, and one, waist high, just a foot away from his tormented balls.


“There, that should do it. Notify the producer that we are ready on cameras 5-7,” said the second attendant.


“Will do,” replied the first, “And Roger, just relax baby cakes.” She laughed as she walked off stage with the other attendant.