A Very Special Episode of Martha Stewart - Part 3
“Hello. Welcome back yet again for this very special episode of Martha Knows Best: After Hours where our topic is Testicle Torture. So far we have applied an Indian Wrap to our friend Roger and my variation of the Chinese Water Torture to our other friend Ted. On your television monitors we can see those treatments are far exceeding our expectations.”
The audience facing monitors have a live feed of a split screen with five video feeds. On the left one third of the screen is a wide shot of both Roger and Ted saran-wrapped to their posts, Roger in the foreground, Ted slightly behind him. Both men are struggling frantically on their posts, wriggling and writhing in agony. Pictured on the other two thirds of the screen are the remaining four camera feeds displayed in a two by two grid.
In the top left box is Roger’s head. His head is slowly bobbing up and down, he appears to be on the verge of passing out from the pain. Tears have dried on his face. Below that, in the lower left box is a close up of Roger’s balls wrapped tightly in the expertly wrapped Indian Wrap. The leather is almost brown now; shrinkage is at roughly 30%. His testicles are near collapse.
The top right box is showing Ted’s head. He is doing better than Roger, but not by much. He keeps looking up at the stage lights with wide eyes, probably trying to focus on something besides the pain. His face is still bright red and beads of sweat can be seen over every patch of exposed skin. The lower right box is a close up of Ted’s balls, caught in Martha’s devilishly crafted leather testicle parachute, pulled tightly down at either side of his testicles by two cords through the handle of the large pink sand pail. The pail is roughly 60% filled with water and his testicles are pulled roughly five inches away from Ted’s pelvis. They appear like they could give out at any moment.
Martha looks at one of the screens on the side of the stage and turns back to the audience with a large grin on her face, “Everything is coming along lovely.” The audience is largely excited by the events that have unfolded and the progress with the slowly drawn out tortures. Some still look troubled by the men’s expressions but not as many as before. It seems some of the shock value has worn off and most women are back on board ‘team testicle destruction.’
“Let’s move onto our third and final torture technique for this special episode. This is a method of my own concoction.” The audience ooohs with wonderment. The stage’s main curtain rises once more. The audience sees another six foot tall blob, covered with a red satin cover, and a table filled with various materials such as hoses and wooden plates.
“I call my concoction, a Martha Press.” The audience applauds and Martha makes her way back to the red cover. Once again, she grabs the cover at the top and pulls it down quickly for dramatic effect. Revealed underneath is another man, bound in a similar fashion as the other two. This time in red saran wrap. Completely naked, wrapped from his ankles to his neck. A red ball has been duct taped in his mouth, with a full loop of tape around his head. This man has a little bit darker complexion, maybe Hispanic in ethnicity. Short brown hair with a little bit of a curl to it. He is fit and traditionally handsome with a similar appearance to Enrique Iglesias.
“Everyone meet Carlos.”
“Hi Carlos,” some of the audience members say in unison and laugh.
“I’ve saved the best for last with Carlos. Carlos has had multiple rape accusations but never a conviction. He comes from money and somehow his fancy lawyer team always has a way of discrediting the accusers.” The crowd has turned from happy and excited to angry and disgusted. Many begin to boo and hiss. It starts to get rowdy.
“Calm down women, calm down. He will see justice today, the Martha way.” The audience begins to calm and eventually begins to clap once more.
“The Martha Press will be our justice. I’ve never actually done this one before but I have done a lot of planning for this and I am particularly excited about it. Let me explain how it works while I build it. You will see shortly why the Martha Press is particularly delicious and devious.”
“First we start with a piece of wood with a hole cut in the middle. It is then cut in half. This wood is like a stockade for the testicles.” Many women laugh and chuckle at the phrase ‘stockade for the testicles.’
“The testicles go through the hole and the board is locked back together behind them. Presenting them nicely in the middle of the board with nowhere to hide.” Martha giggles. She holds up her wood piece already cut. “I went ahead and pre-cut everything so I wouldn’t be getting sawdust all over the stage and in the air.” The audience nods in approval.
“I have installed two wooden supports in the back that swivel and lock into place so the board won’t fold or come apart under pressure. That part is very important and soon you will see why.”
“Next I drive four, eight inch, threaded posts into the wood, one in each corner, like so.” Martha pulls out her cordless drill and drives a post into each of the pre-drilled pilot holes in the wooden testicle board’s four corners. And our baseboard is complete.” Martha holds it up proudly displaying it to the audience. It’s a solid piece of half inch thick wood with a hole and a seam in the middle, four, eight inch posts stand up from the wood, one in each corner. Amazement fills the audience.
“Let’s check the fit,” Martha says eagerly. The audience applauds. Martha walks over to Carlos with her safety scissors and Martha Press baseboard in hand. She sets the baseboard on the ground on top of one of Carlo’s feet. He wiggles his toe to brush it off or get a sense of the weight. He begins to look panicked.
Martha cuts a small horizontal slit at Carlo’s bulge near the middle of the red saran wrap mummy. She reaches into the slit and immediately finds his balls. With her skillful and uncaring hand, she coldly pulls them free from the saran wrap and they droop down on the front of the wrap.
“Whoa, you’ve definitely got yourself a set of hangers. Don’t you Carlos?” Martha teases. Both Martha and the audience are taken back by his large and well shaven testicles. All around excitement builds. Martha’s face gets a little flush with color. It is apparent that she is getting turned on. Martha makes her right hand flat and lifts it up in the air, eye level to Carlos.
“Let’s tenderize these puppies a little bit, shall we?” Martha asks the audience. The audience goes wild. Jumping and cheering, hooting and hollering.
“But you all need to help me count, ok?” Once again the audience cheers with great sadistic excitement.
Martha’s arm swings down and her open palm connects squarely with Carlos’s unsuspecting plums. SMACK “One,” the audience dutifully says in unison. Carlos tries to crunch up but has nowhere to go. The red saran wrap holds him tightly in place. His knees and shoulders bulge out ever so slightly after the impact. His head falls down as he winces with pain.
With barely any time after the first smack, Martha once again raises up her palm and sends it rushing down onto the delicate large balls below. SMACK “Two”, the audience continues their count.
Even faster yet, Martha brings her hand up yet again. She seems to be empowered with the fervor of the audience and a heightened sadistic passion. SMACK. “Three.”
SMACK. “Four.”
SMACK. “Five.”
Quicker and quicker the blows come down.
SMACK. “Six.”
SMACK. “Seven.” The audience say each number louder and more spiritedly.
SMACK. “Eight.”
SMACK. “Nine.”
Martha pauses a moment, somewhat out of breath. Partly because of her rapid movements, partly from her excitement. After the short pause she slowly lifts her hand up one more time to eye level. Carlos’s head is still slumped low, as he wheezes and gasps for air though his ball gag and nostrils. His eyes are closed, he appears to be trying to collect his thoughts. Martha reaches out with her left hand and grabs a fist full of hair at the top of his head and forces his head up.
“Eyes open Carlos,” Martha demands firmly. “I want you to see this one.”
Carlos struggles a bit but finally manages to look out of his eyelids through a tight strained squint. With that, Martha makes her right hand into a fist and gives him a smug little smirk. Carlos’s eyes go wide and fill with fear. Martha takes her fist and swings it down with great intensity. SMMMACCCKK. She hammers Carlos’s aching balls with a strong hammer fist. It connects with such force it seems to send a shockwave ripple throughout the saran wrap encasement. The sound can be easily heard in the audience. They all cheer and yell “TEN” in unison. After much cheering, jeering, and laughter, Martha bends to pick up the Martha Press baseboard and the crowd quiets down.
Martha turns to the side of the stage, “Paige can you assist me?”
Paige emerges from the shadows off of the side of the stage and stands at Martha’s side. “I am going to hold Carlos’s balls while you bring these two sides together. Then I need you to keep holding the two halves together while I fasten the locking supports in the back. Do you understand?” Martha asks. Paige nods in understanding.
Martha unlocks the rear supports and swings them free. She pulls the two halves of the board apart and hands them to Paige. Paige looks to be very excited to be a part of the action. She seems to have a mean streak of her own. She eagerly holds the boards apart, ready to bring them back together again. Martha reaches down and grabs Carlos’s scrotum with her right hand. She struggles a bit at first due to Carlos’s large and swollen testicles but she finally manages to isolate the balls from the body by forming a ring with her thumb and index finger around the base of his scrotum. She nods at Paige and Paige slowly joins the two halves of the board together behind Martha’s fingers, while Martha uses her left hand to make sure any excess skin stays out of the pinch points. Once the boards are joined, Martha lets go of Carlos’s balls and uses both hands to lock the rear supports in place.
“And there we go. A perfect fit. Thank you Paige,” Martha says coolly. Paige nods and returns to the side of the stage. Martha lets go of the board and Carlos’s balls pull from the body a little bit due to the mass of the sturdy board now isolating Carlos’s balls from his body, surrounded by the four threaded steel posts.
“Now for the other two pieces of the Martha Press,” Martha says eagerly and she walks back to the table. “These are two wooden boards with the same dimensions as the first. They have holes in the same four corners as well, however the holes on these are wider. They are meant to slide along the posts freely. This first one will be slid down on the posts and will be resting on top of Carlos’s balls. For this other board I attach an inflatable cylinder to it. As the cylinder inflates it pushes against the first board putting pressure onto Carlos’s balls. Carlos’s balls are essentially sandwiched between the baseboard and the floating middle board, crushed with nowhere to run.” Martha laughs. The audience cheers with excitement.
One end of the cylinder has a metal plate attached with four screw holes. Martha grabs the inflatable cylinder and begins to mount it to one of the boards by putting screws into the holes and affixing them with her power drill. “This particular inflatable cylinder is used by the military in industrial vehicle jacks. They can be easily inflated by blowing into them. When fully inflated they can support up to 1,500 lbs. I have carefully measured everything so that when the cylinder is fully inflated the middle board will be pressed completely flat against the baseboard. Good for us, bad for Carlos.” Another Martha tagline is starting to catch on it would seem. Good for us, bad for them.
Martha takes both boards over to Carlos. She lifts up her knee to reposition the testicle baseboard so that the posts are in an upward angle. She takes the simple board and carefully lines up the holes to the posts and slides it on. She lets go of the board and it slides down the posts and bounces onto Carlos’s balls. This seems to give him a little discomfort and he briefly winces once more. Next, Martha takes the second board with the inflatable cylinder mounted to it, brings it to the top of the posts with the inflatable cylinder facing down, lines up the holes and lets it drop onto the first board. Carlos winces again. His breathing picks up from the light pressure on his aching orbs. Martha takes four wingnuts and spins them onto the tops of the four posts. “These wingnuts will keep our two boards from sliding off the posts.”
“Let’s complete the setup shall we?”
“YES,” the audience replies with great enthusiasm.
Martha drops her knee and lets gravity take over on the Martha press. The posts on the press now point downwards and the two boards and inflatable cylinder between them slide down the posts and abruptly stop when they hit the wingnuts on the ends. A small tug from the force bounces the contraption and strains Carlos’s balls.
Martha returns to the table and grabs a gas mask with a hole in the front and a hose. She then takes the items back over to Carlos. She puts the gas mask onto Carlos’s face and pulls the strap up over the back of Carlos’s head. The audience is starting to piece things together and getting very excited.
“If you haven’t guessed it by now, I will tell you. Who should we get to blow into this cylinder on the Martha Press to inflate it, putting pressure on the floating wooden middle piece, and crushing Carlos’s balls? Who you ask? Well, Carlos himself, that’s who!” Ravenous applause comes from the audience, everyone is cheering.
“Yes, Carlos will have to make a choice between keeping his balls……and breathing.” Martha said with a large smile on her face. “Isn’t it delightful?” Martha asked gleefully. More cheering from the crowd of eager ladies and silence from the distraught men.
“The release valve on the cylinder has already been locked shut. I just attach the inflation tube here.” Martha connects the short black air hose to the side of the inflatable cylinder. “And voila!” Martha says proudly while holding the open end of the hose up.
“Let me blow into this a little bit to make sure we are in business.” Martha blows into the tube and the cylinder starts inflating. As the cylinder inflates, it pushes the middle floating board up the posts towards the captive balls. Martha takes another deep breath and blows a little harder. The middle board continues to slide up the posts until it makes contact with Carlos’s balls.
“There we go, the cylinder is decently inflated and the sliding board is now touching Carlos’s balls. Let’s put Carlos’s balls’ fate into Carlos’s hands now. Or should I say, his mouth.” Martha chuckles to herself.
“I have set the regulator on his gas mask to only exhaust 10% of his breathing out of the hole, the rest will be vented out through the sides. This is to ensure Carlos doesn’t crush his balls right away.” Martha takes the open end of the hose and snaps it into place on the front of Carlos’s gas mask. “There we go. Have at it Carlos” Martha says proudly.
Martha signals for the camera woman to come in. She first films a close up of the Martha press, first zooming in on Carlos’s balls, then the wooden board pressing onto them, then down to the inflating cylinder supporting and pressing on the board doing the crushing. She then brings the camera up to Carlos’s gas mask. Paige, the stage assistant, comes out with a microphone and holds it up to Carlos’s gas mask so the audience can hear his labored yet careful breathing. Slowly the cylinder’s walls begin to lose some of their winkles as it continues to expand. Carlos stands strong, trying not to let these women see him squirm. He tries not to let any pain show on his face.
The cylinder continues to rhythmically expand ever so slightly. The board pressing onto Carlos’s balls is now applying a decent amount of force. It has compressed Carlo’s testicles by two millimeters. Carlos’s composure is starting to crack. His face begins to show strain. His breathing begins to quicken.
“Oh this is working much too well. He sure is breathing hard. I am going to turn it down to 5%, I don’t want him to completely crush his balls over the commercial break.” Martha laughs. She gets up close to Carlos’s mask and turns a dial next to the hose one click.
“There we go. That should keep him busy for a while.” Martha explained.
“Over the final commercial break our guest studio audience is going to decide the fate of these men’s testicles. The small tablets on the seat backs in front of you have all three participants' names on the screen and next to their names, whether or not we should finish destroying their balls. Please think hard and consider whether or not they have suffered enough. Do you think they should keep their balls or shall we finish what we began? Please lock in your votes for each of the three ‘men.’”
“For our audiences at home, stay tuned. You do not want to miss the stunning conclusion for this very special episode. Testicle torture….it’s a good thing.” Martha smiles into the camera for effect. The image on the screens switch from Martha Steward to the five cell split screen showcasing Roger and Ted struggling furiously, then slowly switches to Carlos for a few moments before going to commercial.
The audience members are slowly making their decisions. Some lock in their answers quickly then sit back in their seats grinning. Others are more deliberate in their decision making, thoughtfully weighing the Pros and Cons. Suspiciously, the screens in front of the male audience members are black, no decisions for them it appears.