After the Party - exploring drop

The first time I learned that drop didn’t always feel the same was my first scene after a breakup. The relationship I had been in was long term, loving and supportive. We had done degradation play, and I’d never experienced drop from it because in my mind, it was easy to tell that it wasn’t ‘real’. The first time afterward though, it absolutely killed me because my certainty that I wasn’t an unloveable, disgusting pig was gone. I feel stupid for not recognising it at the time, but I learned from it and grew from it.

I had learned that drop in my new life primarily took the form of a deep feeling of worthlessness and loneliness after play. Not immediately afterwards, but usually once I got home and said my goodbyes. Scene partners would check in, and I’d check in. We’d talk about how much fun we had had, and how we wanted to do it again, but they’d be doing so from the comfort of their wife’s arms, or their husbands, their dommes, subs, boyfriends or girlfriends. They have love because they are worthy to be loved, and you don’t, for lack of it.

You’re happy to be a part of their life, and overjoyed that they’d even consider playing with a lump like you, but all you’ll ever be is a sideshow, a temporary amusement. If the person’s primary partner is a hearty lasagna, you’re profiteroles. Fun and light, but gone quickly. A passing fancy, but nothing nutritious.

If I’m lucky, the feeling passes, but in the interim,!fet is a hard place. Full of posts from dommes declaring how subs are universally worthless (except their sub, the one exception to the rule), full of people posting offhand about how men are incapable of loving; how their affection, their friendship are worth less. And it’s hard not to just let it all pile up into a monolithic thought of unworthiness.

And unfortunately, hot tea and dairy milk ain’t gonna shift that.